


Choi Youngjae effect

by Xiaoguiclub



Category: GOT7, SEVENTEEN (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Almost Rape, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asshole Mark, Choi Youngjae-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Like, M/M, Oop, Please Don't Hate Me, Social Media, Still bad, TRIGGER WARNING !! SOME NON CONSENT IT DOESNT GET FAR BUT !!, bam and yug are his support roomates and besties, comment please, everyone loves youngjae, got7 is whipped for him, idk who to blame more mark or jaebum, it sorta sucks but, neither does youngjae, okay i put rape but it didnt actually happen, pls protect choi youngjae, social media!au, whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-02-15 16:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 21,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13034898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xiaoguiclub/pseuds/Xiaoguiclub
Summary: Choi youngjae was a typical high school student, well almost a typical if you count being one of the biggest social media stars as "typical". depsite being worshiped by millions of people online youngjae managed to have a pretty normal life, well atleast he had one. One bad party kinda ruined that all.aka that one got7 as popular social media stars au that literally no one asked for lmaoalso posted on asianfanfics (once u get past the shitty first chapter its not that bad)





	1. Aftermath

Youngjae took a deep breath. He tried to calm himself down in attempt to keep the memories at bay. Youngjae had spent hours thinking about the party, about mark. He didn't want to remember it again, if he did he thought he'd go insane. What good would it do anyways? it's not like anything will change, like it'll make it any less true. Honestly it hurt, the entire incident hurt so badly he couldn't even describe it. It wasn't like the pain Youngjae was used to; If Youngjae ever fell or scraped his knee or anything like that he could easily just get back up and bandage it up and eventually it'd heal. But he couldn't just bandage this wound.He could feel the tears start to fall but he didn't bother wiping them away. Youngjae doesn't know how long he sat there just crying but eventually he feels someone's arms wrap around him. Its warm he thinks. It's almost comforting.

   "Gyeomie" Youngjae sighs he doesn't even have to turn around to know who it is "I'm fine, you can let go now" he tried to sound as convincing as possible but his voice came out weak and shaky. He felt yugyeoms arms tighten around him,a sign that he could easily see through youngjaes lie. Youngjae appreciated it. He relaxed a bit in the youngers embrace. They sat there for awhile yugyeom letting Youngjae cry in peace, his grip around him never loosening. It was silent but it was a comfortable silence and Youngjae was thankful for it.

   "Hyung" yugyeom said softly, about an hour had passed. "Are you okay?" Youngjae laughed, it was short and bitter and so unlike Youngjae it caught yugyeom by surprise. Of course he wasn't and it was all mark tuans fault.


	2. Wang party

It all started relatively normal. It was the 19th so that meant another monthly wang party. This month was October which meant a Halloween themed party (the parties were mainly just for content on their blogs and more "news" and connections to gain fans).

 

  It was well known to everyone (except the oblivious choi youngjae) that he was one of the hottest most lusted upon social media idols. If anybody could hook up with him at this party they'd be legendary. Guys and girls literally throw themselves at the innocent sunshine but he just doesn't seem to notice (even if he did he's way too shy to actually pursue anyone or return someone's feelings).    
  His looks however, are the exact opposite of his bright innocent personality. Let's just say his personality isn't the only thing that attracts people. Honestly he can't help it really he's just always had a thing for collars and other sultry stuff like that.   
Youngjaes idea of a casual laid back outfit is a choker,ripped black jeans and an oversized sweater while the otter thinks of that as cute others see it as the complete opposite.   
  Youngjae was on his way to jackson wangs house for the party. The theme this month was costumes. youngjae and the rest of the King gang were running late (mainly because bam spent the past hour picking out the perfect outfit to make sure no one outdid him).  
"I don't see the issue being fashionably late is a good thing! it means all eyes will be on us when we get there" bambam whined.  
"Whatever bam lets just hurry up and get there so we can be done already!" youngjae sighed, he hated these stupid parties nothing good ever came out of them.  
   "Who do you think will have a huge scandal this month?" Yugyeom asked. It wasn't out of the ordinary to ask this before an infamous "wang party" they're known for all the drama that comes out of it. There's always some kind of drama after the party he questions why no one thought about cancelling the dumb parties "why would they it's made for drama and promo anyways it's only a job"  
   "huh?" The Thai native questioned while tilting his head in such a cute manor the older had to laugh, he was so lost in thought he hadn't even realized he was expressing his thoughts out loud.  
   "hyung don't pout like that you're already cute enough now you're just irresistible" yugyeom playfully whined. Youngjae smacked the maknae "shut up!" Youngjae muttered. Youngjae could feel his face growing hotter the younger knew how much compliments affected the otter (which is partly why he complimented him so much, he loved seeing his face flush he just looked so cute).If he didn't know any better he would've thought youngjae was his dongsaeng he was just so precious and fragile looking you couldn't help being drawn to him it's something him and bambam liked to call the youngjae effect.  
  Choi youngjae just had a special effect whether it's intentional or not he draws attention to himself it was just a fact. The earth rotates around the sun, water is wet and choi youngjae is irresistible.  
    "What are you staring at dummy we're here" youngjae laughed in a way that was so perfect it sent yugeoms head spinning. The three boys got out of the car and started fixing their costumes before walking in. Let's just say youngjae wasn't the only visual in King.  
  There was Kim yugeom he's perfect in every sense of the way with his perfectly styled light brown hair that somehow made his dark vampire themed costume work; he made every outfit work he just has a powerful aura about him that is only fully visible when he dances it just leaves some mystery to the boy which attracts a lot of people, and then there was Bambam. Bambam of course had the dumbest costume ever it was just expected of him but nobody ever questioned it. Bam somehow made the girly sailor moon outfit work (mainly due to his somewhat feminine baby faced charm and his long slender legs) those aren't usually traits of a popular rapper but that's what made bambam different he liked it. (Truthfully Youngjae was just thankful yugyeom convinced him to wear shorts instead of a skirt). Youngjae tugged at his sweater, yugyeom sighed when he noticed how nervous he had gotten. 

  "Hyung don't worry so much you look great lets try to have a good time" of course youngjae looked great he always looked great yugyeom thought. Maybe a little too great, youngjae was dressed as a tiger (well that's what he tried to convince them but they insisted on him looking more like a cute little kitten).The older had an oversized fluffy sweater on that hung low and exposed parts of his collar bone,  ripped black jeans that showed off just enough of his thighs (of course his protective dongsaeng thought it was too exposing) and a black collar to go along with his cat ears. Youngjae was very anti dressing up or even attending this party but after lots and lots of begging and whining the younger boys has convinced him to go which they now regretted as they walked up to jacksons dorm with eyes following their every move.   
   "Wow is my costume really that great" bambam nervously joked in an attempt to lighten the mood. Yugyeom who was eager to distract himself and the boys from all the eyes on them laughed "yeah right bammie they're clearly confused as to why someone as good looking as me would show up with you!" this quickly turned into them throwing  insults back and forth which made youngjae smile. All the other people long forgotten youngjae was just glad to hang out with his friends, that was until they arrived in jacksons huge dorm room when someone whispered "holy shit it's kings squad" youngjae figured he wasn't supposed to hear it but he did and now he's suddenly self conscious and nervous again. Don't panic it's probably nothing bad maybe they just heard about us?   
It wasn't surprising of course they would hear about eachother everyone here are huge social media stars some even considered idols but that didn't calm youngjaes  rapidly increasing heart beat. He started to slow down unsure if he should continue walking through the dorm or turn back and leave he was about to stop when he felt someone grab his waist.   
"Long time no see!" He recognized the gruff voice.   
"hey Jackson..." He tried hard not to roll his eyes at the boys forwardness. "you mind letting go of me?"  
   "Nope! This is punishment for looking so damn hot at my party I thought no one could outdo me when it comes to sexiness but here you are" any normal person could tell Jackson was flirting with the younger but youngjae was a special case, he was painfully oblivious to these kind of things and took jacksons "compliment" as him just being his usual annoying self. Youngjae just squirmed in jacksons embrace at the comment.   
"Hey! Let him go wang" youngjaes head whipped sideways at the sudden outburst recognizing the voice as jaebum, one of his closest friends.  
"Why do you always get to hog youngjae! I didn't even get to take pictures of our matching couple outfits yet" Jackson fussed. couple outfit?. Before he could think too much into it jaebum had already pulled him away from Jackson making the Hong Kong native pout "no fair!" He whined "I stalked every kings members social media for hints about youngjaes outfit so we could match and you just take him before we even have time to take pics!"  
   "Hold up you did what?!" Yugyeom questioned   
"damn that's dedication" bam nodded, clearly impressed by jacksons somewhat stalkerish behavior.  
"Hey Jae you got a sec?" Jaebum whispered close enough to youngjae so that only he heard "yeah sure what's up bummie?" Youngjae turned to face jaebum looking into his eyes which made jaebums heart flutter.   
  "Uh I was wondering if you could talk to me in private away from all this?" Youngjae hummed in agreement following jaebum to one of the many empty rooms in jacksons large dorm. The two boys quietly slipping away from the other three who were so busy arguing over youngjae they failed to notice youngjae was gone.   
When jaebum and youngjae were alone in an empty room youngjae began mumbling something under his breath which jaebum recognized as the lyrics to a new song youngjae had been working on. he's nervous the elder thought . He started rubbing youngjaes thigh comfortingly in an attempt to calm him down.   
"You okay?" Youngjae didn't answer but jaebum could see his body slowly relaxing which he took as a sign that he was starting to calm down.   
"So I've been meaning to ask you..." Jaebum let his sentence trail off when he looked up at youngjae to see him staring at him.   
"Yeah?" Youngjae tilted his head he was a bit confused about what could've been so important to jaebum he had to take him to a private room away from everyone else, usually jaebum is so straightforward with everything but right now he didn't even look like he could hold an actual conversation.  
"Hey" Youngjae said softly trying his best to imitate how jaebum had helped him calm down a few minutes earlier he placed his hand on top of jaebums but instantly removed it when he noticed how stiff the older had gotten.   
"S-sorry I just.." Actually jaebum didn't know what happened he had always been able to easily mask his feelings for youngjae but recently it's been getting harder which is why he had planned on confessing today but now he wasn't so sure. Youngjae giggled it was cute and short but it made jaebum relax "sorry" the younger said "I just noticed your costume and I realized how cute you look as kirito" the compliment caught jaebum off guard he had almost complete forgotten about his costume.   
"Oh, um  yeah" jaebum could feel the dorky smile creeping onto his face. "I remembered you talking about the show so I thought why not?" Jaebum was calming down, the sudden conversation change making it easier to relax and plan out his confession.  
Youngjae smiled. "So what'd you want to talk about bummie?"   
The question was left unanswered as youngjae felt jaebums lips crash into his. The movement was so sudden but soft and delicate.   
Youngjae wished the night had ended there. But if course with youngjaes luck everything had to go extremely wrong.


	3. Wang party pt.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Almost rape  
> this chapters written so badly i cant bring myself to reread it lmao

Youngjae wasn't sure how long they had been kissing but when the initial shock wore off and he came back to his senses the situation dawned on him, he was making out with his best friend. To make the already horrendous situation worse he could taste the bitter alcohol in jaebums mouth and he felt his cold hand teasingly slide under his sweater. Not only was his friend a drunken mess he was also trying to get into his pants. Youngjae wanted to hit himself for not realizing this sooner. This is just great he thought. If he wasn't already planning on never coming back to a Jackson wang party he certainly was now. Jaebums hand slid down even further, getting dangerously close to a very 'sensitive place'. Youngjaes breathing hollowed.

"Jaebum' he could hear his voice waver but he continued anyways, "Stop it you're drunk". Jaebum didn't respond but he stopped trailing youngjae's body with his hand so youngjae started to get up with hopes he could leave now before the situation became even more awkward but he was yanked back down and pinned against the bed. He tried to free his arms from his grip but jaebum wasn't letting up, he was starting to get nervous.

"Bummie" he called out "stop joking let's just go" he was starting to get the feeling this wasn't a joke but he tried to suppress that thought not wanting to worry himself more. Youngjae had no clue on how to deal with jaebum when he was drunk. Jinyoung had always joked around and told stories about how aggressive jaebum could get when he was drunk but youngjae had never seen it personally, and now that he had those stories didn't seem so funny.

Youngjae started squirming trying to loosen the latters grip on him that had become painfully tight. "Come on Youngjae, don't be like this, you know i really like you" he pleaded with a warning tone in his voice, actually youngjae had no clue jaebum liked him he never even considered the older boy liking him in that way. He didn't know what to say, afraid he'd upset jaebum even more. "Can we please go i dont like this" he whimpered. He didnt' like where this was going at all and jaebum still had a tight grip on him leaving him no other option than to plead with him in hopes that he'll sober up a bit.

Jaebums expression was blank for awhile. The younger held his breath waiting for something, mainly jaebum to just let him go and go back to being his calm best friend. He let out a shaky sigh when he felt one of jaebums hands loosen around his wrist but that quickly changed to a yelp when he heard a slap sound. His cheek stung.

"Stop fucking crying" Jaebum growled. He didn't know he was crying and now he was painfully aware of it. Youngjae couldn't stop the tears falling now, he wasn't sure if it was from the slap or the situation but everything hurt so badly. He didn't like this, it wasn't jaebum, it couldn't be. The elder was always so caring towards the otter he wouldn't even hug him tightly, afraid he'd hurt him too much. Youngjae didn't want to think jaebum could do this to him, he just couldn't believe it. He wanted to blame everyone, Jackson wang for hosting the party, Yugyeom and BamBam for forcing him to come, the alcohol for having such an affect on the elder and himself for dressing like such a slut but he just couldn't bring himself to blame jaebum.

Youngjae became numb to what was happening, choosing to block everything out in hopes he'll forget it, but he couldn't. He remembered every second of it; he remembered jaebum grinding against him, kissing him roughly and hitting him whenever his sobbing got too loud and constantly reminding him of how slutty he was, how much he deserved what was happening to him. Youngjae was glad he never went farther than that. He didn't think he could handle it if Jaebum had... He didn't even wan't to think about it.

Eventually Jaebum passed out, too drunk to continue. When he felt jaebums body go limp on top of him he cried harder than he had the entire night. He was just so glad it was over. He felt weak, he could barely lift the elders body off of him. When he finally did he ran, wanting to be as far away from him as possible. His legs were just so weak, he barely made it out of the room and ended up collapsing in the hall. He didn't know how long he sat there, curled up and crying when a boy approached him.

***********

Mark hated Jackson wangs parties. If he wasn't best friends with that idiot he would never go to these events, but of course he had to befriend the overly energetic puppy and this is where it got him. He tried to make the most out of the situation by looking for some dirt on the people here but when he found nothing he decided to head upstairs away from everyone else. There was nothing to do up there either besides quietly observe everything. He was about to leave when he saw youngjae. The Choi Youngjae of kings squad come out of some room with his hair all messy and his shirt loosely hanging.

This is gonna be interesting Mark thought. He watched youngjae stumble down the hall before collapsing. He contemplated approaching him, not completely sure what he was getting himself involved in. He sighed, curiosity getting the best of him. "Hey" he said " you good?" When youngjae turned it was obvious he had been crying, his eyes still red and puffy. "No" he whimpered, it was so cute and pathetic mark almost felt bad for him.

"Uh what happened?" Obviously he hadn't been expecting some stranger to just tell him everything, well of course not, this was a party filled with a bunch of attention seeking, fame hungry social media stars, Everyone here would use this situation for views and followers. Choi Youngjae was different i guess because he broke down and told mark everything about what happened with him and a seemingly drunk Jaebum (leaving out parts that were harder to talk about). Mark almost felt too bad to use this information. Almost.


	4. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These first few chapters suck so much i promise it gets better

Mark didn't think he was a bad person, i mean he did have the decency to calm the younger down and take him home. After seeing how shaken up the boy was he couldn't just leave him crying on the cold floor (no matter how badly apart of him wanted to). He drove him back to Kings dorm, the car ride was painfully silent, neither of them talking the only sound being youngjaes faint whimpers. Mark sighed when they finally arrived at Kings dorms, thankful his awkward encounter with youngjae was finally over, But when he looked over at the younger he was fast asleep. 

   This is just great, Mark thought.It's not like mark wasn't used to carrying people (he did have to carry a drunken Jackson back to his room after pretty much every party) but with youngjae it was different, he couldn't shake off the feeling he got when he thought about the younger. Mark was so deep in thought he hadn't even thought about how'd he get into the dorms, he had figured youngjae would just let himself in but the younger had cried himself into exhaustion and was now lying in his arms. Which left mark with no options but to call Jackson, I mean if anyone knew kings dorm it was him (he was kind of a stalker). When Jackson finally answered mark wasn't sure how he should approach the situation. On one hand he could just tell Jackson he was with youngjae, The Hong Kong native was sure to drop everything for him. But apart of him felt responsible for youngjae, He had been the one to find the younger and comfort him, he couldn't just dump him on Jackson now.

   "So, um where do you think King would keep their spare key at?" wow totally not obvious at all. Luckily Jackson was too drunk to notice and gave him a simple answer which turned into him crying over youngjaes perfect thighs (Authors note: literally cried over this five minutes ago). If youngjae ever forgave Mark for what he was about to do he would definitely set him up with Jackson, Mark had never seen his best friend so whipped for someone. Mark quickly ended the call and searched for the spare key. When they were safely inside the dorm room he carried (more like dragged) Youngjae to the couch and turned to leave. 

   Mark wanted to leave as soon as possible but he couldn't help but notice the way the boy shivered and curled up in a ball. He found himself giving into the younger (for what seemed like the 100th time today), he looked around for something to wrap around him. The elder had tucked him in with a blanket he found lying around, When he stopped shaking he took that as his cue to leave. 

   Mark returned to his own dorm, thoughts of the younger still swarming his mind. It's not like he had anything against him it wasn't personal right?. Anyone else with information like this wouldn't let it go to waste so why should he? Mark wasn't so sure anymore. Choi Youngjae didn't seem like a bad person from what he heard he just happened to have a make out session with a drunk jaebum. Stuff like this wouldn't be new of course, well that is if it wasn't youngjae. People held this boy to a high standard, everyone seemed to want him but no one wanted anyone to touch him, to mark it just seemed dumb, but it was extremely profitable so who was he to complain? just the mention of youngjae in a scandal could bring him hundreds of followers and his mentions would explode. But still, apart of him felt bad for the otter, he didn't fully know what happened between him and jaebum but judging from the otters devastated expression it was bad. It seemed like something too bad to be shared with thousands of people but so was half of the stuff mark had exposed. 

   It can't be that bad? Mark questioned as he sent the post. He didn't give himself time to regret what he just did as all the comments and followers started flooding in. Mark couldn't bother giving the boy a second thought. He'll get over it, right?

***************

  Jaebum woke up to Jacksons loud voice and an intense pounding in his head.

  "Dude you look terrible what happened?" Jackson said (a little too loudly for jaebums liking). Jaebum didn't respond, honestly he was just as curious as Jackson about what happened last night. He knew he took a couple drinks because he was nervous about confessing to youngjae but he didn't-

Youngjae.

   He came here with youngjae. There was no sign of the younger and judging from jaebums current state, something had happened. His heart raced. Jaebum knew how bad he could get drunk, He didn't hurt youngjae did he? The fact that he couldn't answer that question made him feel like throwing up. If anything bad happened to him Jaebum wasn't sure he could live with himself. He loved Youngjae too much and the idea of hurting him pained him. He was so lost in thought he didn't hear Jacksons calls.

   "Jaebum'' Jackson grabbed his shoulder, yanking him back to reality. Jaebum looked up as if just now noticing Jacksons presence, his expression was concerned which didn't ease jaebums doubt. 

  "You should probably see this....'' He handed him his phone, showing him a post from Mark, Jacksons best friend that he'd met a couple times.

"Woah I think we found the biggest scandal yet. Youngjae, THE Choi Youngjae, and Im Jaebum from jjcross hooked up. He seemed pretty drunk too when they left together, they were in a room for hours who knows what they were doing? Maybe our youngjae isn't as pure as we thought.. Part 2 coming soon"

  Jaebum couldn't bring himself to read the next part.

"You and youngjae kinda disappeared last night did you.." Jackson wasn't sure how to continue, both of them being equally confused. Everyone who knew Youngjae knew he would't just sleep around with people, especially not his drunken friend, Jaebum and Jackson also knew how aggressive he could get drunk. The younger wouldn't be able to handle that. Had Youngjae even willingly done anything with Jaebum?. Neither of them said anything but the question lingered in the air. The only person who could answer the question everyone was dying to know was Choi Youngjae, and Jaebum wasn't so sure he'd like the answer.


	5. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i am a bad writer.

Yugyeom was confused. He hadn't seen Youngjae since the party started which was weird because youngjae always waited for yugyeom so they could drag bam home together and talk about whatever had happened at the party (usually being Zhang Yixing grinding on anyone in a 5 mile radius or Jackson drunkenly confessing his love to Youngjae) but youngjae was nowhere to be found. He had disappeared after they talked to Jackson..so did jaebum. Everyone knew how Jaebum adored Youngae, which wasn't suprising everyone did. But with jaebum it was different, for someone with such a cold personalty he was surprisingly warm and caring with youngjae. Yugyeom didn't want to think about it anymore, Its a Friday night! he should be drinking and doing things he regrets not thinking about his crush who will never feel the same way about him.

 "Hey" Jungkook called out, offering him a drink. Yugyeom was glad he found someone he knew, bam ditched him an hour ago to do god knows what leaving him alone with nothing better to do than worry about Youngjae.

  "How's it going?" he asked, trying to keep the convo going so he'll have something to do besides worry about Youngjae. Jungkook hummed softly, thinking about the question.

 "Minghao and i were working on a dance collab, you'd be perfect for it what do you think?" yugyeom perked up when he heard dance. He loved hanging out with them, especially if it involved dancing.

  "Awesome! we haven't collabed in awhile it was a big hit last time, Soonyoung hyungs choreography is really amazing!" yugyeom was fully emersed in the conversation now, no longer worried about youngjae or whatever horrible thing bambam could be doing right now.

  They talked for a couple of hours before Kim Taehyung came to drag jungkook back to their dorms. "I'll see you tomorrow gyeom, oh and you should probably check on bambam i heard he threw up on mingyu, Wonwoo looked pissed!' jungkook yelled, already halfway across the room.

  Why is he just now telling me this.. Yugyeom sighed, Kim Mingyu is a very forgiving person but Jeon Wonwoo isn't and yugyeom doubts he would be happy about the drunken Thai native throwing up all over his boyfriend. Yugyeom found bambam asleep in Jacksons bathtub, he didn't look too bad so yugyeom guessed he didn't get hurt badly. With youngjae nowhere to be found he drove bambam home alone, missing the elder boy that would usually joke around with him on the way home and laugh at how weird bambam gets when he's drunk . He carried bambam to the dorm in silence. He saw youngjae sleeping on the couch,he sighed in relief.

   I guess he got tired and went home? yugyeom thought. He didn't want to come in the first place it makes sense if he left early he tried to convince himself but he couldn't shake off the fact that he had disappeared with Jaebum earlier.

"This is stupid, i should just sleep its none of my business anyways" he muttered.

  He woke up to bambams loud screaming and a twitter notification from mark, before he could even finish reading the tweet bambam had ran to his room and jumped on him waving his phone in his face. He couldn't understand what he was yelling but he guessed bam had seen the tweet too. Yugyeom didn't know what to say. Its not like he expected youngjae to like him back, he never even confessed his feelings to him. He knew he had no right to be upset but he couldn't help but think about if it had been him instead of jaebum. But Yugyeom knew Youngjae would never see him like that, he'd always just be his best friend and for awhile that was fine with yugyeom but now he wanted more than that.

  "Hey don't worry too much you know youngjae isn't like that" bam tried to comfort him, which is true youngjae isn't one to sleep around with anyone. As far as yugyeom and bam knew youngjae had never even mentioned having feelings for anyone. Their best friend may be loved by everyone but he never showed the slightest interest in anyone. Yugyeom wasn't even sure he could trust mark, its not like he really knew the guy well enough to believe him especially over youngjae. But youngjae did leave with jaebum what if...

  They heard a door creak open down the hall, which they assumed was youngjae going to his room. What if he saw marks post? Yugyeom thought, already panicking, he didn't know if the rumor was true or not but either way he didn't want youngjae finding out.

  "Already took care of it" bambam said, waving youngjaes phone in the air. "And his laptop is in my room, he wont find out i promise" bambam continued before yugyeom could even question him. Yugyeom sighed in relief, thankful bambam had thought ahead. Which made him feel guilty, the first thing he thought about was himself he should've tried to protect youngae first instead of worrying about his dumb one sided love.

  Yugyeom groaned, "Thanks bam, i don't know what i would do without you", which is true, he might be a hyper, annoying mess most of the time but bam was pretty reliable. They laid there like that for another half hour, neither really knowing what to do about the youngjae issue.

 "Hey gyeom" Bambam called, turning over to face the younger.

"hm?" he hummed in response, figuring bambam had come up with some solution to their problem.

  "You know, you could make it up to me for protecting youngjae and saving your ass by making breakfast, I'm kinda hungry" he whined. Yugyeom stared at the Thai native, He knew bambam couldn't hold a serious conversation for the life of him but he figured he would at least try since it had something to do with Youngjae. But just as he figured, the boy was dead serious. Yugyeom "jokingly" shoved him, causing him to fall on the floor with a loud thud.

  "Come on" Bambam groaned, "I'm hungry". Yugyeom smiled, thankful bambam was attempting to cheer him up with his annoying happy go lucky attitude (even if it cost him a bruised ass). "You're lucky I'm nice" he said crawling out of bed to fix breakfast (if you count overcooked eggs and burnt toast as breakfast). 

  They spent the next couple of hours moping around and talking about nothing in particular. The dorm was unusually quiet, neither of them had heard youngjaes annoyingly cute laugh at all or heard him fumble around his room to set up his camera for his weekly lives. In fact they hadn't seen him at all, they all knew youngjae was a deep sleeper, (almost impossible to wake up in the morning in yugyeoms opinion) but he'd never slept in this late. Yugyeom couldn't help but worry again, What if something happened to him at jacksons party? what if he found out about marks post?  people on the internet could be harsh, and he didn't think youngjae could handle it, he was used to being adored by everyone (whether he knew it or not). 

  He found himself standing outside of youngjaes room, hand already on the door knob ready to enter. He took a deep breath, he wasn't sure why he was nervous he was just going to youngjaes room its not like he hadn't been here thousands of times before, it just felt different today, like the usual bright aura it gave off was gone. Welp, here goes nothing He thought, twisting the door knob open.

  "Hey.." he peeped his head through the door, not sure if he should go in or not. No response. "Just wanted to check up on you, you kinda disappeared during the party" youngjae stiffened up, not saying a word. Yugyeom didn't need an answer though, judging from the way youngjae responded he guessed what mark said was true. The younger felt so overwhelmed, apart of him felt betrayed, his best friend didn't tell him something like this himself he had to find out from mark, he couldn't really blame youngjae for not telling him but that didn't make his heart hurt any less. He couldn't even describe all the other emotions he was feeling it was just a mix of sadness and regret.

  "Oh, I should go then" he choked out, a lump forming in his throat. He didn't want to cry in front of youngjae. He figured youngjae needed his space and so did yugyeom, he didn't think he could bare being in the same house as him right now. He rushed out the door not bothering to give Bam a proper explanation He just needed time to himself to think. Without really thinking much about where hes going he find himself at the dance studio he uses to practice and record covers. He walks in hoping dancing will help him calm down a bit. 

  After an hour of practicing the same move over and over again he decided to give up, it was a fairly easy move that he had mastered weeks ago but today he just couldn't do it. Needless to say, he was still thinking about youngjae. Yugyeom sighed, which he seemed to be doing a lot these days, if dancing couldn't take his mind off of youngae he figured nothing would. He groaned, covering his face with his hands to mask his loud sighs, not wanting to disturb anyone else with his pity party. He felt someone tap on his shoulder.

"Not today please, im kinda having a breakdown right now" he muttered, not really wanting to be bothered.

  "Uh.. Yugyeom?" Jungkook asked, yugyeom could imagine the stupidly cute confused face hes probably making. When yugyeom didn't respond he decided to continue with what he was saying "We were looking for you earlier for dance practice, Soonyoung hyung was worried when you didn't show up so i went to look for you, i figured you'd be here".

Shit.

  Yugeyom jumped up remembering his promise to do the cover with them, he really had been looking forward to it but he got all caught up in this mess and forgot all about it. "I really am sorry i meant to meet up with it but things got super complicated and i just-" he couldn't even finish his sentence he was just so frustrated and overwhelmed, he went back to sitting on the floor with his hands covering his head, Jungkook joined him on the floor, awkwardly trying to comfort him with small pats on his back.

  "Its fine, Minghao rescheduled the practice already" Jungkook reassured him. Yugyeom couldn't help feeling bad though, not only did he forget about his plans with his friends he also bailed on youngjae and bambam without any explanation. He didn't really mean to, he was just so worked up earlier he couldn't help it. He apologized to jungkook again and promised to meet him next time, they sat there for a bit not saying much, eventually jungkook left and yugyeom figured he should head home too he just wasn't sure he was ready yet, he was still upset from his "conversation" with youngjae earlier and seeing him right now might not be the best idea. But he knew he didn't have the right to be mad, he didn't own youngjae, he might like him but he didn't have the right to dictate what he does or who he does it with. With a sigh yugyeom stood up and headed for the door. 


	6. Sleepover time!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam is the best (just a fluff filler chapter)

Bambam watched Yugyeom run out of the dorm. I guess their talk didn't go so well? He thought wih a sigh, realizing he'd have to be the peacemaker between the two. Of course he knew Yugyeom liked Youngjae, everyone did, but he was just as confused as everyone else about Youngjaes feelings. He wouldn't get involved too much but he would at least get those dumb asses talking again. So he decided to do what he always does when arguments erupted in the dorm. 

  "Sleep over time!' He yelled as he headed for youngjaes room with way too many blankets, Disney movies and junk food that they probably shouldn't be eating. Youngjae watched him dump all the stuff in his room but he didn't say anything, Weird, hes usually way more excited about this, He thought, but he decided not to press, youngjae would tell him what happened eventually but until then he'd stay by his side and comfort him, he'd hoped Yugyeom would be by youngjaes side too but the younger had disappeared earlier so it was up to bambam to look over their best friend .

  "Okay were gonna watch Frozen first, this time I'm gonna sing Elsas part! i make the best Elsa Anyways'' He said with a little too much enthusiasm as he bounced on Youngjaes bed waiting for the movie to start. "Oh! its starting" he yelped, huddling him and youngjae in blankets, he'd never seen youngjae so quiet before. But he didn't mind, he'd just sing Youngjaes parts too and try to cheer him up a bit with his terrible singing.

  It was in the middle of their fifth movie when youngjae finally spoke, "Its getting kinda late, we have school tomorrow lets sleep". Bambam had never been so happy to hear his voice, even if it was barely audible, it was progress. "Sure..." Bam replied "Or we could just skip school and sleep in tomorrow". It was a dumb suggestion, they both knew yugyeom would kill them if they did that, but it was worth a shot. Youngjae actually smiled at that, it wasn't much but it was something.

  Youngjae didn't say anything but he turned over to sleep and bambam figured he should sleep too. He cuddled up next to youngjae and drifted off.

 

**********

  Yugyeom had planned to come home and apologize to them but when he arrived at the dorm he saw no sign of either of the boys, to be fair he had arrived rather late, they're probably asleep. He decided to go to his room and apologize in the morning but he stopped at Youngjaes door when he saw a big note on it. The handwriting was so messy he figured it was from Bambam, Sleep over time! Gyeomie...if you aren't here by the time i wake up you're dead~your favorite hyung. Yugyeom frowned, he still hadn't talked to either of them yet and he wasn't sure if he should go in there right now. But then again, Bambam does stay true to his word he would definitely murder him if he wasn't there. This will be fine, right? He thought as he walked into Youngjaes room for the second time today. He saw Bambam and Youngjae cuddled up under mounds of blankets with old Disney movies playing. He couldn't help but smile at the scene, no matter how upset he was he couldn't deny he still loved Choi Youngae.


	7. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the first chapter finally makes sense lmao

The boys woke up to the loud blaring of 'something' coming from Bambams alarm clock. The annoyingly catchy song filled the room, forcing the boys to wake up. Bambam being the overly energetic asshole he is decided to bother a half asleep yugyeom on the floor. It took about ten minutes of him messing with yugyeom for him to acknowledge his presence (and tell him to fuck off, of course). Next he had to bother wake up youngjae, which was gonna be a difficult task. Last time he attempted to wake up 'sleeping beauty' he had gotten punched in the dick, and he wouldn't risk that again. Instead, he sent yugyeom to wake him up (somebody had to take one for the team and convincing a half asleep yugyeom to do it was pretty easy).

  "Youngjae" Yugyeom hit him with a pillow (seemingly the only effective way to get him up) "Wake.Up" he said in between hits. After the fifth hit youngjae stirred, bits of his messy bed head visible under the blanket he was attempting to roll himself out of. He struggled for a bit before deciding to just take the blanket with him .

  "Jacksons picking us up in thirty minutes, be ready" Bambam called out as the other two boys left to go to their respective rooms. Twenty minutes passed before they were all ready and waiting in the living room. All the tension from yesterday long forgotten, the boys joked around for a bit while waiting for jackson, Youngjae was still quiet but he wasn't as distant as he was yesterday. That was until bambam mentioned him.

"Oh fuck" Bam groaned "I forgot Mr.Oh assigned Jaebum as our new 'student teacher', Wonwoo was so fun to mess with though'. The atmosphere seemed to get colder. Yugyeom smacked him, Bambam opened his mouth to protest but stopped when he saw Youngjae stiffen up, visibly becoming distant again. Bambam mentally punched himself, how could he forget the situation. The dorm was quiet again, nobody brave enough to break the silence.

  "Yo! Ready to go?" Jackson yelled a little too loudly as he entered their dorm. "How is my favorite sunshine-" youngjae took this as his chance to escape and bolted out the door to jacksons car, not even acknowledging jacksons flirting. "Who the fuck is that and where is my angel?" He turned to yugyeom and bambam questioningly. Jackson furrowed his brows, the love sick puppy was expecting his usual bright, adorable sunshine to greet him but he didn't even get a simple 'hi'. The last time youngjae had ignored him like this was when he had accidently stepped on his beloved dog coco, and as far as Jackson knew, he hadn't stepped on any puppies recently. So why is he ignoring me?

  Yugyeom must've heard Jackson mentally whining because he quickly answered his question "Don't worry hyung he's been like this recently, you know, the party thing" yugyeom whispered, in case youngjae heard. Actually, Jackson didn't know. That's what frustrated him the most, he had seen Marks post and he talked to Jaebum but he never got any answers. All he wanted to know is what happened to youngjae but no one seemed to know. Just the thought of youngjae being slightly uncomfortable upset him, especially since he wasn't around to comfort him. "Lets just go to school" Jackson muttered.

  This was the longest five minute car ride yugyeom has ever experienced. He had tried to sit next to youngjae so they could talk and he could see if he was okay but he set his book bag in the seat next to him, putting up a border between him and yugyeom. Jackson and Bambam didn't even attempt to hold a conversation, Jackson focusing on driving and Bambam staring intensely at his incomplete math homework, both trying to avoid an awkward conversation. Yugyeom could do nothing but steal glances at the elder occasionally. Jackson coughed.

  "We're here". Yugyeom didn't even notice the car had stopped. Bambam wasted no time escaping the car, with a rushed goodbye and a promise to meet at lunch he was gone. Jackson had lingered for a bit, hoping he'd get to walk youngjae to class but the younger barely noticed him, slowly exiting the car and walking to his locker. Jackson still followed after him like a lost puppy, which meant yugyeom would be walking to class alone and he knew Bam would come up with some excuse to miss their awkward lunch arrangement so he figured he'd be spending a lot of time alone today. Great.

*********

  Youngjae had finally ditched Jackson but now he was starting to regret it as he walked down the hallway alone, noticing all the stares and dirty looks he was getting. He looked around to see if he was mistaken but there was no one near him, he was sure those looks were directed at him. The only question was why? it's not like he wasn't used to attention, he did upload videos and posts on the internet for thousands of people to see, attention was normal for him, but this just felt different. He lowered his head and walked to class, choosing to focus on his feet instead of everyone around him. There was a large crowd of people gathered around someone, he sighed, the only way to get to class was to go by them. He tried to walk quickly but he froze when he heard his name.

"Woah! You really saw the Choi Youngae hook up with Jaebum?" 

"Makes sense, Why else would he be so popular? I heard the jjproject guy wasn't even the first person he hooked up with that night"

  The voices started overlapping he couldn't even make out what they were saying anymore but he knew it was about him and what happened that night. What shocked him the most though was the familiar voice he heard coming from the center of the circle. Mark Tuan. The boy he had confided in that night was telling everyone what happened. Youngjae knew it was stupid of him to tell a stranger everything but he wasn't exactly thinking straight that night, after what happened with jaebum he just wanted to go home he wasn't expecting to collapse in the middle of the hallway and cry infront of a complete stranger. But Mark hadn't seemed so bad then, he had listened to youngjaes sob story and took him home afterwards but youngjae realized now that first impressions aren't always accurate because now here that boy was, telling his story to everyone.

  The crowd around mark grew larger as he told stories about 'that night' and all the wild things youngjae has done. Youngjae knew he shouldn't listen to what he was saying, It'd only hurt him more but he couldn't help but stare in disbelief at the boy who had once helped him tell all these lies about him. He watched Mark go on and on about how much of a slut he was, laughing along with everyone else about how pathetic he was, like what happened to him was funny. The bell rung and the crowd dispersed as they all ran to class, the bell sounded more like a background sound compared to the pounding in youngjaes head. People pushed past him but youngjae didn't budge, feet locked in place not ready to go. He wasn't sure how it happened but he found himself staring at Mark, the boy looked back at him with wide eyes. Youngae wanted to say something, anything really but he didn't. Instead he ran, he ran right out of the front door and didn't stop running until he was back home in his dorm room.

********

 Youngjae took a deep breath. He tried to calm himself down in attempt to keep the memories at bay. Youngjae had spent hours thinking about the party, about Mark (he wouldn't admit it but he thought about jaebum too, about how the boy must be feeling now, if he regretted what he'd done). He didn't want to remember it again, if he did he thought he'd go insane.What good would it do anyways? It's not like anything would change, like it'll make it any less true. Honestly it hurt, the entire incident hurt so badly he couldn't even describe it. It wasn't like the pain he was used to, if Youngae ever fell or scraped his knee or anything like that he could easily get back up and bandage it up and eventually it'd heal. But he couldn't just bandage this wound. He could feel the tears start to fall again but he didn't bother wiping them away. Youngjae didn't know how long he sat there just crying but eventually he feels someones arms wrap around him. It's warm, he thinks. Almost comforting.

~~~

  Yugyeom couldn't find Youngjae anywhere. Not in homeroom, not at lunch and now here he was in last class looking for the boy, still somewhat hopeful that he'd show up. But the bell rung, signaling the start of class and Youngjae was still not here. He sighed as he slid into his seat, preparing for another boring, lonely class.

"Choi Youngjae?"

"Absent" Yugyeom muttered. He was seriously gonna kill youngjae when he found him. Yugyeom had planned to just listen to music or something and count down the seconds until he got to go home until he overheard an 'interesting' conversation. 

"Hey did you hear about that choi slut skipping class?"

"Yeah i saw him running down the hall this morning, probably left to go hook up with another guy"

  He didn't even have time to get mad at the way those girls were talking about his best friend. He was more focused on the fact that Youngjae had ran home earlier. Yugyeom didn't even think twice before he slung his backpack over his shoulder and ran out of class. It was stupid of him and he'd probably be in huge trouble tomorrow but right now all he really cared about is youngjae. 

  By the time he arrived at the dorm he was sweaty and tired but that didn't stop him from rushing to youngjaes room and hugging him as tightly as possible. Yugyeom couldn't see his face but he heard his quiet whimpers and felt his body shake. Yugyeom wasn't really good at things like this, he wasn't like bambam he didn't know what to say to him when he was like this or how to make him laugh instead of cry so he did what he knew how to do. He hugged him. He hugged him like he did when they were five and youngjaes fish died, like he did when they were 14 and Youngjae told him he was gay (and Yugyeom told him he was too) and like he did last year when they had to part for the first time in years when yugyeoms parents took him to Saudi Arabia for the summer. He also tried to think of happy moments with youngae, when they were nine and they befriended a weird kid named bambam with a cute Korean accent, when they were 15 and Youngjae had received a love letter for the first time and last year when youngjae came to meet yugyeom at the airport when he got back to Korea. He thought of all these memories he'd had with Youngjae hoping those warm thoughts would go to him too, like the old Youngjae would come back to him.

  "Are you okay?" It was a dumb question and Yugyeom regretted asking it the moment he heard youngjaes bitter laugh. This wasn't the Youngjae he knew, he wasn't sure what happened to his best friend but he knew Mark and Jaebum had some questions to answer.


	8. We gotta talk about youngjae

Yugyeom and Bambam had a plan, well if you count calling up jinyoung and jackson and forcing them to get jaebum and mark to meet up to have 'the talk everyone was dreading', a plan. It started off simple enough. Yugyeom called up jinyoung, told him the situation and told him they'd be at their studio in 10 minutes. Jinyoung, of course, told him he was a dumbass but he agreed to have jaebum there. Bambam easily convinced Jackson to 'kidnap' Mark and have him there too. Now that the 'issues' were taken care of Yugyeom and bambam just had to sneak out of the house without youngjae noticing, Which would be a lot easier to do if Bambam wasn't so damn loud. It'd also help if bambam wasn't trying to smuggle chips with him (of course he would take a serious moment like this and ruin it by trying to carry a big ass bag of Doritos with him), but in bambams defense, he was pretty hungry. They make it out the house but Yugyeom is glaring at him the entire walk to the studio. 

  This seems more like a staring contest than a meeting, no one says a word, Mark and jaebum don't even want to be there mark won't stop glaring at Jackson and Jaebum is squirming in his seat avoiding everyones stares. Yugyeom clears his throat, making a fidgety Jaebum jump a little. "So..." he really should've thought this through better, honestly, he had no clue what he was doing he wanted answers not an uncomfortable meeting. 

  "Lets just get to the point" Bambam cut in "My kids an emo fuck right now and we know it had something to do with you dumb asses so just tell us" Bam accusingly pointed at Jaebum and Mark (Yugyeom had never been more thankful to have that annoying asshole with him). Bambams tactic didn't seem to work though, their questions were met with no response, Jaebum and Mark stayed silent.

  Jinyoung scoffs. "We've been friends for years bummie, do you really not trust me enough to tell me about your hookup with youngjae?" Jinyoungs tone is rough and defensive but his eyes were soft, he stared at jaebum almost pleadingly, like looking into his eyes would give him the answers they all desperately needed. Jaebum opened his mouth to speak but said nothing.

  "Mark?" Jackson whispered in a voice way too soft to be his own.

  "It's not my place to tell, Jackson" he sighed. The way they argued made it seem like they had this conversation a thousand times, their will to discuss this long gone.

"Oh really? if it wasn't your place to tell why'd you post about it?" Yugyeom spoke up "You can't tell us, his friends, but you can tell the entire fucking internet?" Yugyeom was just as surprised as everyone else, he didn't really mean to say anything he just couldn't help himself, this entire situation stressed him out way too much.

  "Okay" Mark took a deep breath before continuing "Honestly i don't know everything, i saw youngjae break down in the middle of the hallway i talked to him and uh, i didn't hear everything he was crying a lot but it seems like Jaebum almost raped him but Jackson said Jaebum remembers nothing" the room got really quiet. "And if it means anything, i do regret posting about i, i really fucked up". No one was really listening at that point, Bambam was kind of shaking (yugyeom wasn't sure if it was out of anger or if he was crying), Jackson had his fists clenched hard, Jaebum left. Jinyoung and Yugyeom both looked like they were still processing it.

  "You knew?" Jackson was trying to be calm "You knew this entire time but you didn't fucking bother telling anyone?" he was practically yelling now. Everyone could tell this was going to get really intense and after the bombshell mark just dropped yugyeom didn't think he could handle it.

  "Yugyeom.Bambam. Lets go, im taking you home" Jinyoung gets up and the boys follow, Bambam is still shaking as they walk to jinyoungs car. "I'm spending the night, I don't think i can be around Jaebum right now and you guys don't need to be alone either". Yugyeom couldn't really think straight right now. His head was pounding and he felt like he was going to throw up. He didn't really understand how Jinyoung could be so calm right now, he teased the elder a lot for acting like his mom but right now he was really thankful for it.


	9. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this chapter while i was writting my tutor bts fic

he boys didn't get much sleep that night. They thought finding out what happened between Jaebum and Youngjae would solve everything but it only made matters worse. It didn't help that they could hear Youngjaes muffled sobs next door. Their best friend was broken, and there was nothing they could do to fix it. No sleepovers, Disney marathons or awkward meetings could fix him. In the short hours they had known, Yugyeom racked his brain for solutions but ultimately came up with nothing. 

  "Bam'' Jinyoung patted the area right next to him on the small bed "come here". Bambam crawled over and wrapped his arms around Jinyoung, his head buried deep in his chest.  Eventually Bambam fell asleep, dried tears still visble on his pink tinted cheeks.

  "Are you okay?' Jinyoung croaked out, voice still hoarse from comforting Bambam. Even with his comforting the younger hadn't calmed down until Jinyoung softly hummed him to sleep. Jinyoung continued humming to the younger even after he had fallen asleep, running fingers through his hair soothingly to ensure the boy didn't stir.

  Yugyeom didn't trust his voice right now, he was afraid that if he spoke right now his voice would crack and he would end up sobbing. Crying in front of Jinyoung would be way too embarrasing so he just violently shook his head.

 "You aren't supposed to be okay Gyeom, You're a fifteen year old kid and life sucks"

"..What about you?'' Yugyeom whispered.

Jinyoung laughed. "Im a dumb sixteen year old and life still sucks, Who knows when it'll get better" Jinyoung paused for a bit to play with Bambams hair before quietly adding "But it will, i promise". That was yugyeoms cue to drift off, trusting that what Jinyoung had said was true.

Yugyeom woke up the next morning on his own, the dorm was unusually quiet especially for a school day, yugyeom was beginning to think they left without him. He rushed out into the living room, relieved that Jinyoung was still here. Jinyoung never skipped school, if he had chosen to stay home today it had to be serious enough for the other boys to stay too. If its that serious it must have to do with youngjae.. 

"He's fine he's in his room sleeping and no we aren't going to school today we're having a 'talk'" Jinyoung was pretty impressive, he could answer all of yugyeoms questions without him even asking. Satisfied with the answer Yugyeom slid into the seat next to Jinyoung where Jinyoung already had breakfast ready for him. Yugyeom glanced at the empty seat next to him, suprised Bambam wasn't already up annoying everyone, Jinyoung must've caught him staring and quickly explained "Bambam woke up early and wanted to go sleep with youngjae for a bit". Yugyeom nodded, of course he was, yugyeom knew how the elder could get about things involving youngjae and this was pretty serious. Youngjae was like his brother (his other half really) if Youngjae was hurting Bam was too, and Youngjae was definitely hurting. 

 Yugyeom wasn't really hungry anymore he just picked at his food and stared down at the table, Jinyoung sighed, clearly disapproving but he couldn't really say anything, his appetite was long gone and he was aimlessly picking at his food too. After thirty minutes of them 'eating' Jinyoung gets up and heads to Youngjaes room leaving Yugyeom sitting in the living room bored out of his mind with way too much to think about. The bedroom door creaks open and out comes Jinyoung and Youngjae with Bambam trailing behind them, eyes fixated on Youngae. Yugyeoms stomach drops when the realization hits him that this is the first time hes seen youngjae since they found out. He was beginning to get overwhelmingly uncomfortable, He couldn't even look youngjae in the eye, he just felt like he had intruded on something way too personal, he felt guilty. If he didn't get out of here soon he was sure he'd start crying.

  "Youngjae" Yugyeom couldnt help but notice how Jinyoung looked Youngjae directly in the eyes when he called him, his voice didnt even waver. Yugyeom would never admit it but he honestly admired how calm the elder could be, even in situations like this. "Are you okay".

"I'm fine why wouldn't i be" Youngjae had tried to match Jinyoungs even tone but his voice was extremely tight and he sounded like he was on the verge of tears, Bambam stepped forward to be close enough to comfort the elder incase he did cry. 

"We know what happened..." Bambam whispered, he didn't face youngjae like jinyoung did but he tried to be as calm as possible "You don't have to be okay Jae". Youngjae was shaking now, he didn't even respond he just stared blankly at the floor. It wasn't until Jinyoung hugged him that Youngjae really allowed himself to break down, he fell into the older boys embrace and cried. Youngjae is muttering something Yugyeom can't really understand what hes saying but he hears something along the lines of 'it's all my fault'. Yugyeom couldn't help but get mad, not only had Jaebum hurt his best friend he hadn't even took responsibility for it, Youngjae couldn't even see that Jaebum was at fault and not him. 

  "Its not your fault at all" Jinyoung reassured him, Yugyeom could see that Jinyoung was trying to stay strong, as the oldest one here he felt like it was his job to protect them but he had failed and Youngjae and the others got hurt as a result of that. 

"You guys don't hate me right?" Youngjae whimpers. Yugyeom couldn't hold in his anger anymore, he had tried to calmly watch the situation unfold from his safe, distanced spot on the couch but he couldn't just stand back now. How could Youngjae even think that? He was his best friend and the boy he just so happened to love and the fact that Youngae even questioned how much he meant to Yugyeom hurt him.

  "We could never hate you Jae, What happened wasn't your fault it's Jaebums you did nothing wrong" Jinyoung looked suprised by Yugyeoms sudden outburst since the younger had been so quiet this entire time but he nodded his head "Yugyeoms right, Jaebum was wrong not you, don't feel bad for his mistakes he has to own up to what he did".

 Youngjaes eyes widened and he frantically shook his head, "No you don't understand he was drunk, i must've provoked him It's all my fault i should've-"

"Youngjae" Jinyoung cut him off "You didn't do anything wrong, Jaebum is old enough to be held responsible for his own actions as his best friend i should know that better than anyone else, Jaebum is really aggressive when he's drunk i shouldn't have let him drink at the party i'm sorry jae". Youngjae didn't say anything but he rubbed Jinyoungs leg comfortingly to let Jinyoung know he didn't blame him for anything. Another ten minutes passed before anything else was said.

 Jinyoung sighed and turned to face Youngae. "Now Jae this is a very personal question and you don't have to answer if you aren't comfortable with it but it's important we know" Jinyoung talked slowly like he was still trying to think of how he should ask "What exactly did Jaebum do?".

  Yugyeom tensed up, he knew this question was coming but he didn't really want to confirm that what mark said was true. Youngjae looked down at his lap "He didn't get to do that he passed out before he could but he..He tried to.. Please don't make me say it" He pleaded. Jinyoung nods and drops the topic. 

"That's enough questions for today" 

Youngjae gets up to leave but Yugyeom grabbed his arm 

"Please Jae just stay with us nothing's gonna get better if you keep isolating yourself, we're here to help" 

Reluctantly, Youngjae sat back down. Things certainly weren't better but atleast Youngjaes with them now and Yugyeom doesn't intend on ever letting him go.


	10. All good things must end (..or not)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 97 line is here to help

With all the recent mess that was their lives the boys social media accounts seemed long forgotten, Jaebum and Jinyoungs weekly uploads haven't happened in two weeks, Jacksons daily vlogs became a 'once a week' thing and no one has heard from any of the King members in who knows how long, even their die hard fans (saesangs, really) couldn't tell you where they were. With the exception of mark, who never missed a scheduled upload, the boys channels were dying. Their friends were not happy about this, Minghao had gone on for hours whining about their impending 'social death', Mingyu and Jungkook got so tired hearing about it they decided to actually get them active on their channels again (they'd do anything to get Minghao to shut the fuck up). 

  They'd even gotten Jackson on board, Mingyu would make a video with JJCross, Jungkook with Yugyeom and Bambam, and Jackson with Youngjae (after Jackson practically begged them to pair them up together). They planned everything down to the last detail, they had to make this work otherwise they'd never hear the end of Minghaos whining. When everything was finally prepared Mingyu kidnapped convinced Jinyoung to come to his dorm, It'd be difficult finding Jaebum since no one had seen him in a few days but Mingyu knew Jinyoung could track down his best friend. Yugyeom and Bambam were hesitant to leave Youngjaes side but Jungkook promised them Youngjae would be in good hands for the next two hours while they filmed their Videos.

  Jackson was extremely nervous, and excited, and upset and overall just a mixture of way too many emotions he didn't think he was capable of feeling all at once. A day with youngjae was great, but they barely talked since he found out about the incident he of course went over to their dorm to check up on him a few times but he could barely look him in the eye after what his best friend did to him. Seeing Youngjae upset was the worst thing he ever experienced and he didn't want to ever see him like that again so he had to do everything in his power to cheer him up today, he couldn't fail. He grabbed all his video equipment and headed to Youngjaes dorm, It was a little past 3 meaning all the other boys would still be out filming leaving him and Youngjae alone for a few hours, he was definetely nervous.

  "Jae", Jackson set the equipment down and headed to Youngjaes room "I'm sure Bambam already told you about the video thing, Uh I have a few ideas you can choose from". Youngjae just stared at him. 

  "Actually..I don't wanna make the video", Youngjae didn't even look him in the eye when he said it, his attention focused on everything except Jackson, "I don't really want any part of social media anymore". Jacksons heart sank, Youngjae is what got him into all this social media stuff in the first place, His dumb youtube videos and silly tweets made so many people happy, especially Jackson, and he had wanted to be like that too. And now here he was, telling Jackson he wants to quit.

  "Youngae..You can't. I know this Jaebum and Mark stuff is hard but you can't quit you make so many people happy, You make me hap-"

"No", Youngjae cut him off "You don't understand Jackson, everyone hates me i'm not the Youngjae everyone adores anymore, i'm just the slut that fucked Jaebum'', Jackson was so dumbfounded by Youngjaes harsh words he couldn't even think of a response so Youngjae continued, "I'm fine with the titles i can't even be bothered to care at this point, But if no one even likes me what's the point? Do i just go online so people can tell me how worthless i am?"

"You're being selfish Youngae!", Jackson knows he can't fully understand where Youngjae is coming from but he knows people care about him, He cares about him and he's not gonna let him make such a rash decision just because things are hard right now. There's too many memories and people that love him attached to that channel for Jackson to just let him deactivate it. Jackson just wants to scream about how much he loves Youngjae and how much he means to him but the younger is so hard to talk to when he's like this, He won't listen to anything Jackson has to say and they're both too frustrated to hold an actual conversation. Jackson leaves. 

  Mingyu was probably just as frustrated as Jackson was, Jinyoung had blatantly refused to tell him where Jaebum was.

"I don't know where he is and i don't care, Stop asking", Jinyoung deadpanned after the tenth time Mingyu asked for the elders location. Mingyu knew something happened between Jaebum and Youngjae but he didn't know what it was and he couldn't understand what could've possibly happened between the two to make Jinyoung this upset. Those two were practically linked together, If Jaebum was somewhere, Jinyoung was too it was just weird not seeing them together. They had fought before, but it was over simple domestic stuff like video ideas it'd never been serious enough for them to go a week without talking.

 "...Is this because you like Jaebum but he has like a major crush on Youngae?"

"No!", Jinyoung spluttered "It's not like that we're just friends it's just...". Jinyoung sighs "He's my best friend i miss him, But he really fucked up this time I can't just forgive him''

 "You don't have to forgive him right now, But talk to him, Nothing will get better until you two talk"

 All Jinyoung could do was stare at Mingyu, This is the same boy that ate glue last week because Wonwoo told him it tasted like candy and now here he was being 'deep'.  Things were definitely changing if Jinyoung actually thought what Mingyu said was smart. But sadly he was right, He couldn't avoid Jaebum forever and he did have a pretty good idea of where the ladder was hiding. 

  By the end of the day only one of their videos had actually been filmed, Yugyeom, Bambam and Jungkook did a great dance cover to some song Jihoon had composed, Once Jungkook finishes editing it it should be a huge hit online and fans would definitely be excited to see some of King again. Everything was going well for them (with the exception of Youngjae, Mark and Jackson), Jinyoung was even going to talk to Jaebum again and after all their recent drama, this is exactly what the boys needed.


	11. Maybe we'll be okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i hate my writing style so much its terrible and this stories going way too fast but remember theres like week differences between the chapters for them so its not all happening at once...that makes no sense. and i just realized ao3 didnt put the italics on the words they were supposed to be on.. fml

It's safe to say Jackson wasn't having the best day, or week, or even month because Choi Youngjae was mad at him. That meant nothing could possibly go well for him; It's like the universe was the founder of the 'Choi Youngjae protection squad' (though Jinyoung, Yugyeom and Bambam would disagree). Everything had gone wrong today, He couldnt focus at all his mind was filled with thoughts of the younger all day resulting in 3 failed tests and two detentions and just for the extra fun bully jackson finale Bambam had 'accidently' spilled his lunch all over Jackson. By the end of the day Jackson was ready to curl up in a ball and die. He opted to go straight home after school to prevent further accidents, Which meant he had to see Mark. Mark was obviously his best friend but things between them lately had been...bad to say the least. It's like something in their friendship had shifted, they just seemed to tip toe around eachother and the issue without actually addressing it and that pissed Jackson off. 

"Hey Mark i'm home." Mark looked at him shocked that Jackson had actually willingly talked to him, that hadn't happened in atleast a week. 

"..Hey Jackson, quiet down im trying to record a video." Mark muttered before turning back around to face the camera "As i was saying before i was interrupted," Mark paused to side eye him which Jackson responded to by flashing the camera a cheeky grin "There's been a lot of shit going on recently that i think we need to address, Popular instagram couple Nayeon and Jeongyeon  broke up i even heard from a source that-"

"Mark." Jackson couldnt believe it, This kid really was unbelievable. How fucking dare Mark get involved in anymore social media drama after the bullshit he just pulled with Youngjae. It took a lot to get Jackson angry, One of those things being Youngjae and anyone who hurt him. Jackson could tolerate a lot from his best friend, he'd put up wth him for too many years to not be used to all the annoying things he could do but this was different.This was a lot deeper than Mark stealing his video ideas or domestic room mate fights, Jackon could deal with that this he couldnt just let go. "After all you put Youngjae through with those stupid rumors you're gonna do it again?" Jackson shook his head in disbelief "I really thouht you changed."

  "Jackson come on, you know this is different" He looked so hurt at the thought of his best friend being so disappointed in him "I-I didn't mean to hurt Youngjae i know it was wrong i just-" Mark cut himself off not really knowing what to say next. "You're the one who suggested we start making videos again in the first place!" he quickly defend himself. Jackson had enough of Marks excuses, He decided to leave the dorm before he says something he'll regret, he didnt need another fight with a close friend right now. 

"Jiaer'' Mark called out "Where are you going?". Jackson froze, Mark never called him that. It was a name reserved for when he's really hurting and needs his best friend by his side, he'd only heard him call him that twice throughout their long friendship. He shook it off, He wouldn't let Mark get to him again. 

"I'm going to see Youngjae, Unlike you i can acknowledge when i'm wrong, I have to go apologize to him." He spat before turning and leaving without another word.

  Jackson arrived at Youngjaes dorm looking like a kicked puppy. He apologized as soon as youngjae opened the door, even going as far as to dramatically get on his knees and beg for youngjaes forgival, The perfromance earning him a small smile from Youngjae.

 "I'm sorry too Hyung...It was mainly my fault anyways. I don't really want to quit i guess sometimes it just gets too stressful...Let me make it up to you" Jackson looked up at him a little too hopeful.

"..With a kiss?" Youngjae laughs and playfully nudges him.

"No silly..Let's film a video together, Whatever you want". Jacksons heart skips a beat; That laugh, That smile, It's almost like the old Youngjae is back. 

"How have you been recently Jae?" he changes the subject out of curiosity.

  Youngjae shrugs off the question with a simple answer, 'he's seen worse days' Which Jackson doesn't accept as an answer until Youngjae reassures him that the other boys have been helping him a lot and he thinks he'll get better, that he wants to get better, He's even considering therapy. Jackson took a deep breath, This was a lot to take in for someone so used to the overly energetic ball of sunshine youngjae usually was, But still, It's Youngjae and Jackson will support him regardless. He realizes youngjaes staring at him weirdly so he tries to compose himself.

"I'm really proud of you..You've grown a lot." He says the last part quietly hoping youngjae didn't hear his overly sappy admiration but the wide smile forming on Youngjaes face assures him he heard it. He could feel his cheeks burning in embarrasement, before Youngjae got the chance to tease him Jackson changed the subject. "I'll go get the camera so we can start filming."

 "Why this!" Youngjae groans before falling back on his bed. All Jackson could do was laugh. 

"You said anything! So now we're doing the boyfriend tag so get up and answer these questions". Youngjae stares at him as if he's contemplating his murder. "What? You said I get to choose and I chose the boyfriend tag so lets go!" Jackson quiclky defends his choice of game.  20 questions and obnoxious flirting later their video was filmed, edited and ready to be posted. Jackson hits send and waits for the views and comments to increase. He should've expected the mess of comments that came next.

_How many boyfriends does he have?!_

_Didn't he just hook up with Jaebum...Seriously this guy is getting annoying_

_What a slut Jackson deserves better..._

  Youngjae wordlessly scrolled through the comments, Wincing whenever he reads a particularly harsh one. Jackson pulls Youngjae closer to him and embraces him. Youngjae violently shook his head no and twisted his body to face Jackson.

"No, don't treat me like this, please. I'm not some fragile doll thats gonna break just from a couple of mean comments on the internet. I'm okay i dont care about stupid youtube comments i have you..and the others. That's a lot more important to me than youtube fame." Next thing Jackson knows his lips are against Youngjaes. They're kissing. The warm feeling he got when he did it almost made him forget how wrong this was. But he couldn't ignore the voice in his head telling him to stop, he pulled away not even a minute later. 

"Jae im sorry, That was too far I-". Youngjae cut him off before he could finish, he looked taken by suprise of course but he wasnt scared like Jackson expected him to be. 

"Don't be sorry..It felt nice. I know you wont hurt me, you aren't like him." It sounded more like he was convincing himself.


	12. Not really an update

Im really sorry i hope you guys understand if i take a break from this fic for awhile, Shinee means a lot to me and this situation is really hard to deal with right now I'll try to update when i can but i doubt ill be doing much writing for a bit


	13. tell me which way to go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is NOT a redemption  arc for jaebum i don't think his actions are very redeemable but i do not think hes the worst character, honestly in this situation no one is completely to blame but i want to reassure you all i am not overlooking what jaebum did as i write this, but please let me know if you feel like im being insensitive. Moving on, thank you all for the encouraging comments on my asianfanfics acc when i took a mini break from this fic. honestly that was a really bad time for me and id rather not remember the situation but the comments you guys left for me made me want to continue this fic when i had given up. I wont lie, the jonghyun thing affected me a lot more than i care to admit, it even made me want to change my original ending for this fic that ive had planned since the beginning,,, lets just see what happens.(happy late bday to jaebum btw..sorry i made you such a dick in this fic lmao)

"Youngjae.."

"Hm?" Youngjae turned to face Jinyoung who was currently deep in thought while staring down at the younger who was laying in his lap. The two had gotten very close since the incident which Youngjae was thankful for, the incident causing their closeness was terrible but Youngjae was glad he and jinyoung were closer. Before this he doubts they would've ever had such domestic moments like this.

"Would you hate me if i-" 

"I could never hate you Nyoungie" Youngjae answered before he even finished his question. And it was true, Youngjae wasn't a very hateful person,he cant imagine Jinyoung ever doing something so bad he'd hate him. He still cant find it in him to hate Jaebum...

"You havent even heard me out Youngjae" Jinyoung sighs, clearly displeased with his answer "Would you hate me if i went to talk to Jaebum?." Jinyoung held his breath waiting for youngjae to respond. A minute passed and the younger hadn't even moved, Jinyoung was getting really worried he'd messed up his friendship with youngae in the span of five seconds. He was getting ready to take back his question and forget the whole thing when Youngjae responded.

"I already told you, I could never hate you." Jinyoung sighed in relief, Youngjae didn't sound mad or betrayed but he couldn't shake the slightly distant tone in his voice, like he was deep in thought over something and only half listening to Jinyoung. But atleast he even bothered listening to him, Jinyoungs not sure how he would've reacted if he were Youngjae but he definitely wouldn't be this calm.

"I'd hate myself though" Jinyoung whispered. Jaebum might be his best friend but he messed up pretty badly this time and they couldn't fix this with a simple apology and talk. If he gave into Jaebum so easily and forgave him he'd hate himself.

"Jinyoung come on, You know Jaebum better than anyone, he'd never.. He'd never do  _that_ to me or anyone willingly he was drunk he didn't know any better and its not like anything really happened, I don't know how i feel about him right now but i don't hate him and you shouldn't either"

"You're too forgiving Jae." Jinyoung couldn't understand Youngjaes logic whatsoever, Not only was he basically forgiving Jaebum for what he did but he was asking Jinyoung to do the same?. Meeting Jaebum had been his idea in the first place but now it seemed like Youngjae was more on board with the idea than he was.

"Do it please, For me?" Jinyoung couldn't possibly tell Youngjae no when he begged, it was too cute and he knew it. If he talked to Youngjae any longer about this he'd just end up hating Jaebum more and feeling even worse so he decided now would be the best time to look for his friend. "About time you went home hyung you've been borrowing my clothes for two weeks!" Youngjae playfully hit him in an attempt to lighten up the mood.

"It hasn't been that long brat! don't lie you enjoyed my company'' Jinyoung jokingly scolded him "This dorm would be a mess without me"

"Yeah sure whatever just go Hyung!"

 _'And now the hard part,'_ Jinyoung thought as he left their dorm. Finding Jaebum wouldn't be hard, there's nowhere else he'd be besides home. Not their dorm home, their house, the place they'd grown up and spent half their life. Technically it was Jinyoungs house but Jaebum spent enough time there for it to be considered his house too, Jinyoungs parents practically raised him after all. Whenever anything bad happened Jaebum always went running home to his and Jinyoungs bedroom to clear his mind: He did it in their first year of high school when he was still adjusting to dorm life and needed a break and here he is again in their last year of high school running back home..but for a very different reason. 

 Jinyoung doesn't even bother checking if his parents are home when he first enters the house, as much as hes missed them talking to jaebum is a very urgent matter.

"Jaebum" Jinyoung didnt know why seeing Jaebum as soon as he opened his bedroom door was so surprising, its what he'd been expecting but now that its actually happening he doesn't know how to feel. "I.." this was the first time he was seeing his best friend in atleast a week he should've planned this out better, he can't seem to form sentences properly.

"Dont cry Jinyoung, please dont cry im so sorry" Jinyoung hadn't even noticed he stared crying until jaebum mentioned it now he was painfully aware of the disgustingly salty tears streaming down his face. "Sit down please we need to talk"

"Talk..yeah i came here to talk" Jinyoung wasn't even sure Jaebum could understand what he was saying he was a rambling mess at this point. Jinyoung takes a deep breathe before continuing, "You-"

"I was wrong" Jaebum cuts him off before he even gets to say it, Jinyoungs always loved how he didn't have to bother finishing his sentences or thinking of the proper way to word things before saying it because Jaebum always knew exactly what to say. "I hurt him, badly. I cant forgive myself and knowing Youngjae he probably already forgave me, i dont deserve him, i don't deserve  _you,_ you came all the way here for me and all i ever do is fuck up. Just like when we were kids all i ever do is hurt people-" Jaebum couldn't even continue, It wasn't until Jaebum mentioned the past that Jinyoung realized just how distressed he was. They never mentioned that, It was sort of a taboo subject and neither really needed the reminder.

_Jaebum always had anger issues. The very first memory Jinyoung had of Jaebum was him freaking out at the playground and pushing another kid off the slide. They were only five at the time so Jinyoung didn't understand why Jaebum was so violent or what his 'melt downs' were and why their teacher advised them to avoid him when he was like that. Jinyoung was never a good listener anyways, He'd approach Jaebum whenever he could. He was the only boy in their class that hadn't jumped at the chance to be Jinyoungs best friend and that frustrated him, Something about how jaebum was always alone and gloomy interested him. After that day he took it upon himself to become Jaebums one and only best friend. When he told Jaebum about this and offered him his second favorite toy the boy rejected it threw his toy in the bin in front of the entire class._

_'I dont wanna be your friend anyways! i only offered 'cus ms.park told me to,' that was the first lie Jinyoung ever told. He cried as soon as he got home and told his parents all about it, he had expected them to scold him for lying but they told him to invite Jaebum over and try to befriend him anyways. It took two years and a lot of  begging on Jinyoungs part before he could finally say Im Jaebum was his friend. It might not mean a lot to others but Jinyoung was extremely proud to have the title of Im Jaebums best friend._

_It took way longer for Jaebum to start opening up to him, It wasn't until they were ten that Jinyoung learned about his abusive parents when Jaebum showed up to their house in the middle of the night with a busted lip and a black eye, the poor boy didn't even bring shoes with him, He told Jinyoung and his parents what happened, how his dad was particularly angry with him that night, said he was the biggest mistake he ever made and he regrets ever making such a mess. Jaebum didn't even shed a tear as he talked about it, Its like it wasn't the first time he heard it. All Jinyoung could do was cry, hes never heard such words before. Ever since that day it was a unspoken agreement that Jaebum stayed with them, He was basically Jinyoungs brother now and that's all four year old Jinyoung could've ever hoped for. Since they were practically brothers now Jinyoung's parents treated Jaebum like he was their son, they did everything they did for Jinyoung and more for him even taking him to therapy sessions and getting him medicine for his 'issues'. Jinyoung never understood what all of that meant but if it meant Jaebum would be happy and he'd get to stay with them forever he didn't care._

_The days Jaebum had to go home were the worst. His parents only made him go back to look like the perfect family in front of guests, the second they were gone Jaebum was sent back over to Jinyoungs house, his real home. Jinyoung always insisted Jaebum was better off with his family anyways._

_It was their first major fight when the incident happened, it was right after Jaebum came back from a weekend at his 'families' house so Jinyoung should've known not to bother him. He should've gave him time to calm down before talking to him, it was all his fault. Truthfully that day was a blur, Jinyoung doesn't even remember what they were arguing about in the first place. All he remembers was the faint sound of Jaebums sobs and his mother screaming into the phone for the ambulance to hurry up. Apparantly they had gotten into a huge fight and it got way too out of control, Jaebum was on the verge of another meltdown but Jinyoung wouldn't stop arguing about whatever the two were so mad about, Jaebum couldn't take it anymore he pushed him hard down the stairs and Jinyoung didn't wake up for over two hours. Jaebum freaked out, he called Jinyoungs mom and he ended up in the hospital. The first thing Jinyoung noticed when he woke up was that the elder was nowhere to be found, It was weird not having Jaebum by his side when they spent the past few years linked at the hip. It was two whole weeks before Jaebum returned. He still has no clue what happened in the time he was gone but it couldn't have been good. Jaebum was covered in bruises and whenever Jinyoung confronted him about it Jaebum brushed it off, eventually Jinyoung just stopped asking. He didn't have to say it, Jinyoung knew they were from his parents, Jaebum thought he deserved it for hurting him._

And suddenly Jaebum is back in his arms crying his heart out and its like they're twelve again. 

"Hey listen to me bummie" he cups his face in his hands so they're facing each other "i know you, you aren't a bad person. I don't know how we'll fix this but we will, i promise." and that's how their night ends, holding onto one another for dear life and desperately trying to convince themselves everything will be okay, and maybe if they wish for it hard enough it will be.


	14. Trust me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow another short bad chapter~ please bare with me its all coming to an end soon so i need to wrap things up now comments are appreciated especially (constructive) criticism

 The boys woke up to the smell of Ms.Parks cooking and for a second they could forget their worries and reminisce the old days where they'd wake up to this every morning. The two groggily rose and followed the scent of eggs and budaejiggae coming from the kitchen. 

"Oh Bummie you're up already? I made your favorite please try to eat today i'm-" Mrs.Park dropped the small bowl of warm rice she was bringing to the table when she turned and spotted Jinyoung. Having not one, but two, of her children back home unexpectedly was of course a wonderful surprise but also very worrying. As long as Jaebum had been back he'd barely spoken a word or even eaten, he's been cooped up in the boys shared room only leaving when absolutely necessary. Of course they had scolded him that this was no way to live but Jaebum had always been a stubborn boy all they could do was worry for him and wait for him to come around. But Jinyoung was easier to break. So Ms.Park waited, and waited, not moving an inch from the spot she was in when she first spotted Jinyoung until he finally broke down.

 "Eomma..." Jinyoungs voice shook a bit, and if you looked very closely you could see the tears swelling in his eyes "We..We messed up. R-Really badly, Eomma it's all my fault i should've known better I didn't stop him I knew how he gets wh-when he drinks and i...It's all my fault." Jinyoung wasn't even sure if his mother understood anything he just said, he didn't think he could repeat himself again. He reminded himself too many times he caused this he didn't want to do it again. But luckily his mother understood, or maybe she didn't understand what he was trying to say at all but she did know her boys were hurting and that was her cue to shush Jinyoung and pull them both into a tight hug and reassure them it'd be okay. Jinyoung thought the scene must've looked funny from an outside perspective; The two boys had long outgrew her and were practically towering over her but she still embraced them like they were just as big as they were when they were six. Jinyoung felt Jaebums stiff body relax next to him and that made him relax too. As long as Jaebum was okay Jinyoung was too.

 They tried to go back to normal as much as they could for half an hour to enjoy their meal quietly before they'd inevitably have to talk about it again. His mother made small talk as best as she could, avoiding the topic of school completely and focusing on how thin and pale the boys had gotten since the last time she'd seen them a couple months back for break. She fussed over them and scooped lots of rice and soup into their bowls as they smiled and tried to reassure her they were fine but she was having none of it, Jaebum smiled. A genuine smile Jinyoung hadn't seen for so long he had forgotten his face was capable of even doing that, It was quite infectious Jinyoung soon found himself smiling just as widely as the ladder. But it couldn't last forever.

 "Okay boys, I think it's time we talk" Jinyoungs mom sighed and gestured over to the couch. She tried her best to ignore the grim looks on their faces and continued before she backed out of it entirely. "I don't know whats going on and i'm not entirely sure i want to know but if its this bad" she paused to look at Jaebum and Jinyoung who were obviously in bad shape, "Then we have to do something about it. Is it that Youtube channel of yours? I told you boys to drop social media the second it got toxic, I don't want-"

"Eomma." Jaebum stopped her ''Please trust us. We can't really talk about it right now it was bad, Traumatizing even for the person involved and i'd rather not have it spread more. Jinyoung did nothing wrong, This was my mess and I'll try to fix it i promise, I know i don't deserve it but please...Have faith in me.'' Jaebum couldn't look her in the eye in fear of the disappointed look that was bound to be on her face. 

"Of course I have faith in you Bummie." 

A weight was lifted off his shoulders after hearing her say that. "I think... I think it's time we go back to our dorms I have a lot to fix."

 The drive back to school was uneventful, Jaebum didn't speak much because he was too deep in thought and Jinyoung was catching up with his mother on all the things he's missed out on since they last saw each other. But as soon as they got back to their dorm room and were alone Jinyoung and Jaebum discussed the situation in further detail. Jaebum had his mind set on something and was pretty adamant on it but Jinyoung..Wasn't so sure.

"Your old therapist?" Jinyoung questioned Jaebum for the millionth time on it "I suggested a therapist but Jaebum, this is getting a little too personal It'd be better if you stayed out of this all together and let him heal."

"I made this personal Nyoung, I caused this. Please, I know he doesnt owe me anything I lost that privelege when i hurt him but please it'd mean so much to me if you took him to her, She helped me and i sure she'd help Youngjae too." Jinyoung sighed. It was silent for a few minutes but it felt like hours to Jaebum as he waited for a response. 

"...I can't do that. As much as I hate to say this it's just overstepping, If you want to repair things with Youngjae you have to do it yourself. Tell him how much it means to you, Just convince him to go but _you_ have to be the one to do it."

"Why would he listen to me after what i did?"

Jinyoung paused, He had a point. But still, Jinyoung knew first hand how trusting and forgiving Youngjae could be. Even though he knew sometimes Youngjaes forgiving nature could do more harm than good they had to give it a shot.

"There's no reason he should trust you after that but for some reason he does so fucking talk to him and get him help before he self destructs."


	15. Calm before the storm

”I don’t know Nyoung...” Jaebum shifted uncomfortably from his spot on the dorm floor. Jinyoung and Him were currently reviewing their plan for the millionth time that morning, Desperately trying to find some certainty in their very flawed plan before they made the call.

‘The call’ in itself isn’t that important, but it seems every time they call their friends together it never ends well and with their current delimmea jaebum doesn’t expect anything to go well for him. Jaebum was half hoping Jinyoung would back out and call The whole thing off and let jaebum quietly move back home, but knowing his best friend, he’s nothing if not determined.

“Trust me.” Jinyoung tried for a weak smile that came out as more of a grimace as he called Yugyeom; Jaebum zoned out throughout their conversation but he was painfully aware of Jinyoungs nervousness as he squeezed his hand tightly more than once throughout their short conversation that honestly felt like hours.

Barely an hour passed before there was a faint knock on the door and Jinyoung shot up ready to answer it but Jaebum stopped him, If he was going to do this he needed to do it himself no more hiding behind his best friend. He took a deep breath before standing up, He stood at the door with his shaking hand around the door knob, it wasn’t too late to turn back right? He could just stand here until they gave up and left, But after looking back at Jinyoungs desperate face he knew he couldn’t stall any longer.

He probably should’ve prepared himself for the inevitable punch Yugyeom threw as soon as he opened the door. But truthfully he didn’t know the younger was capable of a punch that hard, but Jinyoung must’ve because he was there, ready to catch him when he stumbled back. 

“Fuck you, I wanted to do that.” Jackson glared at Jaebum, this was the first time he’d seen Jackson angry, all of the boys looked so drained and mad Jaebum hates to think he caused all this.

“What’s so good about you?” Yugyeom scoffed “After all the shit you put him through youngjae still trusts you, he still cares about you he-“Yugyeoms voice wavered and Jaebum is sure the younger is close to tears but when he looks up at his eyes Yugyeoms expression instantly hardens , any sign of emotion now gone. At one point in his life Jaebum would’ve reached over and hugged the younger and He probably would’ve accepted Jaebums affection, It stung that he knew he wouldn’t be allowed the same level of closeness they previously had. He wasn’t even sure if he could use the word friend to describe anyone in this room anymore.

“I know I don’t deserve your trust. Or youngjaes. Just.. let me fix things.” It felt wrong saying youngjaes name in front of them, he didn’t have the right to. Not after hurting him like he did. But he had to try. For youngjaes sake. If he broke down now it’d be Jaebums fault and he couldn’t let that happen.

Everyone else clearly looked like they wanted to say something but the deadly glare Jinyoung was giving everyone made them keep their mouth shut and let Jaebum finish.

After he recalled the full sequel of events starting from the night he left to clear his mind, his childhood, and his therapy lessons that he really thought youngjae should get the room was painfully quiet. But Jaebum was done speaking, he said what he had to say and he hoped they would listen, all he could do was look at yugyeom and await his response.

“I think... I think we should give it a shot.” Yugyeom saw Jaebums hopeful look and quickly added “I’m not agreeing for you. This is for youngjae. Just for youngjae.”

“..But this could go really bad. Jaebum talking to him...Trying to get him to go to therapy.. there’s so many flaws in this plan I don’t know if I agree with this..” Bambam pipped in. Yugyeom reached over and patted his back for comfort, something jaebum wish he could do for the younger too.

“It won’t go wrong. We can’t let it go wrong. So we’ll do something before jaebum meets youngjae just to prepare him for everything that’s going to happen okay?” There was clearly an uneasy tension in the room but nobody stepped in and opposed the plan so they went with it.

 

****

“Are you sure about this gyeom?”

“I don’t know about this...” Bambam shifted his weight back and forth, Tugging at the hem of his sweater every couple minutes. Mark sighed. He didn’t really wanna be here, but he didn’t have a choice either. If he wanted to prove that he was trustworthy and regain Jackson, and everyone else he hurt, trust he had to get ‘involved with the group’. Which meant tagging along on their ‘date’ thing. Mark was definitely opposed to the idea but if he wanted his best friend back this is what he had to go through. This was nothing compared to the damage he’s caused youngjae and Jaebum.

“You have two seconds to decide if we’re really doing this or I’m ringing the doorbell”

“Okay Jackson wait a sec-“

“Too late.”

Jackson rang the door bell before anyone had a chance to talk him out of it, including himself. He was nervous about this but the boy that Appeared at the door was definitely worth it. Youngjaes expression gradually got less excited as he looked down the line of boys waiting for him. Jackson wouldn’t lie, the guilty expression on youngjaes face when he looked at him hurt, Jackson desperately hoped he didn’t regret their kiss, but it was nothing compared to the hurt look he gave mark. It was probably the closest youngjae could get to hatred and mark definitely noticed it as he cast his gaze even lower, making sure to never make eye contact with the younger.

“...What is this?”

“A date ! Get dressed princess.”

Youngjae froze at the latters response, He didn’t look particularly excited about it, but he didn’t look like he hated it and Jackson was willing to take what he could get.

“..So where exactly are we going?.”

Youngjae muttered as he walked out of the dorm room ten minutes later, having fixed his messy bed hair and threw on what was obviously the first sweater he saw in his closet, but Jackson couldn’t say he minded it, youngjae could make anything look painfully cute.

“Where else? Han river of course !”

Jackson gave him a knowing smile, that was youngjaes answer on their ‘Boyfriend tag’ video when asked what his perfect date was. His eyes lit up when he said he’d like to go on a cute date walking along the Han river eating Ice cream and talking about whatever came to mind. Ever since Jackson heard him say it he knew he wanted to do that with youngjae..He hadn’t planned the others tagging along but as long as youngjaes happy So is he, and knowing what’s about to happen with youngjae and jaebum he figures this will be the perfect calm before the storm.

“Oh yeah..I guess I did mention wanting to go here.” Youngjae avoided his gaze to focus on the ground below him, Specifically a rock he’s been kicking for most of the walk to the river.

“You did? When?” Yugyeoms Head shot up from the area of dead grass he’s been staring at for ages, this was definitely news to him. He thought he knew everything about youngjae how could something as important as an ideal date slip his mind?

“Of course not, you were too busy hanging out with jungkook.” Youngjae muttered barely above a whisper, yugyeoms sure he wouldn’t have even heard it if he wasn’t currently hyper fixated on youngjae. It almost sounded like youngjaes tone was bitter, but that couldn’t be, why would he be bitter over him being with jungkook? Nothing was making sense and yugyeoms Head was starting to hurt with all this overthinking. Before he even got the chance to open his mouth bambam squealed in delight over finally reaching their destination. Soon everyone was busy listening to bambam whine over his tired legs as youngjae dragged him away to a nearby convenience store to pick up ice cream and snacks. Which left a very awkward jackson, mark and yugyeom waiting. The tension between Jackson and Mark was very obvious to the point where it was making yugyeom anxious, well, that and what youngjae had just said to him and what it could possibly mean.

“I really don’t understand why you keep giving me that look, jackson. I’m trying my best!”

“Yeah sure, Mark ! Making no effort to be here and sulking in the back like dead weight is totally making an effort appreciate it, thanks.”

Mark scoffed, sure he wasn’t trying his best but what exactly was jackson expecting? Was he supposed to just go up to youngjae like “Hey sort of ruined your life with a stupid post, sorry about that, anyways let’s hang out sometimes!.” He couldn’t even look him in the eye, sure he regrets it but there’s nothing he can do now and Jackson’s arguments really aren’t helping his situation. Yugyeom couldn’t say he was exactly paying attention to whatever they were arguing about but it went on for awhile, it seemed like years before Youngjae and Bambam came back to the group, skipping over with snacks and drinks.

Bambam happily dug in, “I’m starving, I haven’t eaten since Jinyoung Hyung fed me.”

“Bam that was like two hours ago.”

“Okay and what’s your point? I’m a growing boy leave me alone Gyeom.”

“Hm? Jinyoung Hyung?” Youngjae finally took his eyes off of the ice cream he’d been eating “You were with Jinyoung?.”

Yugyeom couldn’t read the expression on his face which wasn’t good, he wasn’t sure if it was a touchy subject or if he’d be accidentally giving something away that Jinyoung didn’t want him to know about..like Jaebums arrival.

“Yeah, we hung out with Jinyoung for a little bit before coming to get you, why? Something wrong?”

Youngjae quickly dismissed bambams worried look, stating ‘he was fine, just wasn’t expecting jinyoung back so soon.’

“Sucks that Jinyoung couldn’t come but look on the bright side sunshine, I’m here.”

The boys gagged at Jackson’s cheesy comments but the way youngjaes hand lingered when he went to hit Jackson and his way too loud laugh at his comment bothered yugyeom, but who was he to be jealous? Jackson always flirted with Youngjae it was his thing, he just didn’t like the way his stomach flipped when youngjae flirted back. But now wasn’t the time for jealousy, it was about making youngjae feel better before the inevitable meeting with Jaebum. With all feelings aside Yugyeom grabbed youngjaes hand and dragged him all the way to a bicycle vendor nearby with the other boys following suit, with many complaints from Jackson about who should be the one holding youngjaes hand, which of course, earned lots of protests from youngjae. Not long after the boys were riding bikes along the river and it looked like everyone was having fun, even Mark laughed with them when Bambam tumbled over and knocked his and Jackson’s bike over.

The next few hours were spent like this, playing any and every game they could possibly think of. All troubles and problems forgotten for the moment, what was more important was winning whatever game they were playing at the moment because the loser had to buy everyone snacks. It was as if the events that happened over the past few months never happened, they were back to the happy go lucky boys everyone knew and loved. Even if just for a few hours, everyone was happy.

“Got you-Ack!“ Mark was just about to tag youngjae during a very childish game of tag but ended up tripping sending him and the younger rolling on the ground. The other boys erupted into a fit of giggles while marks face got redder by the moment.

“S-Sorry about that” mark said as he dusted himself off and reached his hand out to youngjae who was still laid on the ground. Youngjae gave him a small smile which made mark a lot happier than it should’ve.

Youngjae glanced up at the sky, which was now a dark orange.

“It’s getting late, should we head back now?”

The others mood visibly darkened at the thought of ending probably the only fun they’ll have for weeks but muttered In agreement anyways because they can’t let youngjae know something’s up.

“I’ll walk with you guys back to the dorms.” Jackson offered.

“M-Me too! I mean, I’d like to come too.. if you guys don’t mind.” Mark stumbled over his words a bit to the point where he wasn’t sure if the others had understood what he was saying but luckily for him they’d agreed, so the boys made their walk back to the dorms in an exceptionally better mood than before. Although the mood was a lot lighter now mark still wasn’t sure where he stood with them so he quietly trailed behind the others. At least he was until youngjae quietly appeared by his side, humming casually as he walked slower to match marks pace.

“..wouldn’t you prefer to be with your friends?” Mark questioned.

Youngjae laughed, “No, Bambam has a bit of a sugar rush because of all the candy yugyeom was forced to buy him its a little too loud up there, I like walking in the back it’s quiet, it’s nice to be back here with no sound whatsoever gives me time to think you know?”

Mark nodded silently, so he wouldn’t disturb the latters peace.

Youngjae playfully shoved his shoulder, “I’m just kidding you know, you can talk. I just wanted to thank you for.. that time. You took me home and you might’ve did some things I don’t really approve of after but I don’t think you’re a bad guy. Sorry I was kind of cold to you before.”

Mark didn’t know what to say, youngjae was apologizing to him? But he was the one who ruined his life for some petty reason like followers? This was all too much. Everything was too much. Mark didn’t know what to do, Youngjae was too kind and it was making him feel even worse than before- at least if he pretended youngjae was some asshole that hated him he could act like what he was doing was okay but now..now he just couldn’t. The wave of guilt washing over mark right now is doubled once he remembers what’s bound to happen once they reach the dorms. Youngjae didn’t deserve any of it, he’d been nothing but kind even when he was breaking down, even to mark, the reason he’s like that now, its taken so long for him to regain his happiness even if it’s just for a few hours and it’s going to be ruined in the span of seconds once they get to the dorms and he has to face Jaebum. It seemed like a good idea to mark a few hours ago, he didn’t really think much about youngjaes feelings and just wanted to get Jackson off his ass but now he cares a little too much for his liking. He opens his mouth to speak, wanting to warn youngjae so things can stay like they are now, youngjae happy, mark forgiven and all things well but bambam beats him to it.

“Hey ! What are you doing back there I wasn’t done talking to you.”

Youngjae gives mark a small smile, silently saying they’d continue this conversation later as he runs to catch up to bambam and the others. Mark gets a bad feeling youngjae is never gonna wanna talk to him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been awhile hasn’t it.. I’m sorry life’s been kinda hard these past months. My mental health hasn’t been the best and finding motivation has been really hard and this FIC kinda sucks doesn’t it? Sorry. Well it’s 3am and this is unedited comments are still very appreciated and honestly are the only things that make me continue writing.. only a couple chapters left before its over I think thanks for reading :)


	16. Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW///SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Youngjae shouldve known something was up. Of course he couldn’t just have a good fucking day, he must’ve done something in his past life so terrible to deserve all of this. Opening his front door to park jaebums face was the last thing he wanted right now. It was such a good day and the memories are being ruined by jaebums sudden appearance. He feels sick. He can hear his breathing become shallow and his legs shake like they’re threatening to give out on him, he wants to run, go as far away from here as his legs can take him and never return. It feels too similar to that day. He wishes that memory would erase itself from his brain but it replays over and over again instead like a broken record. It seems like hours have passed. The rooms deathly silent,everyone seems to be holding their breath, waiting for youngjae to do something but all he wants to die is curl up in a ball in die.

“Youngjae.”

He can feel his body shake violently when he hears that voice. It’s been so long. A part of him misses it so much his heart hurts, but the part of him that never wants to hear it again is stronger. That voice reminds him how dirty he is, how worthless he is, he hates it almost as much as he hates himself.

“Get out.”

His voice is so small he isn’t sure anyone heard it but obviously jaebum did he opens his mouth to reply but youngjae doesn’t let him.

“I SAID GET OUT.”

He’s shaking so violently bambam rushes forward to hold him.

“Guys this isnt a good idea please youngjae can’t handle this.”

Bambam speaks, and suddenly everyone’s talking at once and it’s too much for youngjae to handle. He folds in on himself and lets bambam cradle his shaking body. He wants to tell him it’s working, that he’s feeling better but he feels so small and powerless right now. Jinyoung pulls jaebum as far away from youngjae as possible and he furiously whispers to him. After awhile jinyoung cautiously approaches youngjae.

“I’m so sorry this isn’t going as planned youngjae we-“

“What.”

“You..you planned this?”

Jinyoung hesitates before responding, a grimace on his face when he realizes there’s no words to fix this.

“We..We just wanted to help.”

“H-Help? This isnt fucking helping anyone. He _hurt_ me. And now you just want me to sit here and have a conversation like everything’s okay?”

Jaebum cuts in. “Youngjae I know i was wrong. I was so wrong. I was drunk. That doesn’t excuse anything I know. I-I just.. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I love you. I don’t ever wanna hurt you Jae,If I was sober you know I wouldn’t dare-“

“No I don’t know jaebum. What you did..the things you said..you cant excuse that. Do you know how many times I thought about what would happen if you hadn’t passed out? How weak and pathetic I must’ve looked to you? How-How easy I was?” Youngjae was crying at this point but he didn’t stop, he needed jaebum to hear him out. “Bum I lost one of my closest friends that day. Don’t sit here and talk to me like you’ll ever know what it’s like. It hurts. It hurts so badly sometimes I can’t even breathe. I have nightmares. I died that day. Whatever’s left of me isn’t that youngjae you, or anybody else knew. You don’t love me you loved the person you destroyed. I’m all that’s left. You ruined me.”

Jaebums crying now too and it hurts. It hurts so badly. Youngjae loved this boy.. even now, he loves this boy. But he wouldn’t dare act on those feelings. Any relationship him and jaebum ever had is dead. There’s no fixing them.

“In another life...maybe we could’ve been happy together. I’d like to believe there’s a universe where we’re together and everything’s okay. We’d make stupid couple videos on YouTube and have the dumbest dates. We’d be the gross couple our friend group is so tired of for being overly domestic...” he looks around at everyone in the room and tries to imagine what they’d be like if this didn’t happen. They’re so broken now..he doesn’t think he can fix them. And that hurts youngjae more than anything jaebums done to him. “But not in this universe. _Ever_.”

Jaebum knew it’d be like that, in fact he expected it to go a lot worse, so he tries not to cry at the realization that whatever him and youngjae had is over for good, he can’t help but shed a few tears. He didn’t just lose a crush..he lost a close friend.

“Atleast..atleast hear me out. I know I hurt you. Badly. But I want to fix you I just.. um, I have a therapist and they’ve helped me through my..issues, for years, I know you don’t owe me anything but just consider going to her. I hope you live a good life, one without a fuck up like me in it.”

Jaebum leaves after that, youngjae doesn’t know how long he’s been standing there but all he can hear is the sound of his heart beating a mile a minute. It’s too much. Youngjae rushes out the door he doesn’t even hear yugyeom or bambams shouting.

He aimlessly strolls as far away from the house and his friends as he possibly can. His feet take him down a familiar path as his thoughts take over. He almost doesn’t hear his phone ring in his pocket. He looks at the contact name and sighs.

How do you tell the person who gave you life you wish you were dead? Youngjae doesn’t know how, so he doesn’t . Instead when his mom calls he puts on the cheeriest voice he can and tells her how great he’s been doing. He doubts she believes him but she says nothing, waiting for him to tell her the truth so she doesn’t have to pry, but youngjae doesn’t want to say anything else so he hangs up. He didn’t tell her goodbye. Goodbyes feel too final.

His aimless midnight stroll leads him to the Han river. He was just here a few hours ago but he feels like it’s been lifetimes. He’s so tired his feet stop dead in their tracks in the middle of the bridge. He’s so tired. _I could end it all_ , he thinks. _I won’t be tired anymore._ He doesn’t like these thoughts but they’re so hard to stop it just keeps getting louder and louder in his head until the voices are screaming at him. He wants to make them stop. Wants to make everything stop. Its so simple. _Just jump._ They’ll be no more responsibilities, no more jaebum, no more nightmares, no more hate comments, it’ll all stop. _JUST JUMP._ He didn’t know when he started moving closer to the edge he can’t remember getting this close but now here he is, shaking so hard with every step he thinks he might collapse.

_he could jump._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..yes this ended on a cliff hanger yell at me on my new twt @ AdoringCYJ (no rlly if u ever wanan talk dm me there I don’t bite !)  
>  Wow hello I’m back and this is vv short but I think the next couple chapters are gonna be more important so look forward to that. Ahhh sorry I’m rlly late updating I’ve been busy with school but I’m doing really well in school and I’m proud of myself,, I’m also really proud of got7 and youngjae and wow he rlly made a song with jimin and it’s beautiful please I adore it and the message listen to it if you have time and I love this cb sm !!


	17. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi~ long time no see? Sorry about that this fic just reminds me how lacking I am writing wise and I was in such a bad place when I wrote it I can’t really stand to look at it again... but I’m back !! Happy 2019   
> Sorry I forgot to mention I messed up earlier with their ages so here’s an updated list   
> Yugyeom:16 (almost 17)  
> Bambam: 16 (almost 17)  
> Youngjae: 17  
> Jinyoung:17  
> Jackson:17  
> Jaebum:17  
> Mark:18 (just turned 18)   
> Sorry for the writing inconsistencies please comment !

He doesn’t jump.

  He hears a voice and he wonders if he really did jump, if he died, if the faint voice he hears is an angel. It’s so stupid that he still believes in that stuff but he does, so he turns around. It’s a girl.

“Excuse me..are you youngjae?”

“I..Am I..dead?”

“Of course not! I’m sorry I shouldn’t have bothered you, you just...looked so sad...a-and I’m a big fan of your YouTube so I just... I guess you can’t be happy all the time but.. it just seemed so different than how you were on your channel I just thought I’d make sure you were okay..”

Oh.

  He’s alive. He isn’t sure why that makes his chest feel so heavy but it does. But he can’t change that right now, there’s a girl, a fan, trying to talk to him and he’s two seconds away from sobbing again. Not like it would matter, if she knows of him she probably knows how disgusting he is, all the shit that’s happened the past month, and he isn’t exactly in the mood for some stranger to remind him how much of a slut he is. Youngjae guessed the tears stared to well up in his eyes again because the girl panicked.

“I-I’m sorry if I made you upset.. I just.. can we talk?”

  He wants to say no. Wants to scream at her, and everyone else in the world, to just leave him alone and let him die in peace but for some reason he doesn’t, he nods.

“You’re one of the brightest people I’ve ever seen.”

Not anymore, he thinks.

“You honestly helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. Isn’t that crazy? A ten minute YouTube video of you just goofing off and making people laugh made me unbelievably happy even on my worst days.”

  She gives youngjae a sad smile, as if she’s remembering all the terrible times in her life, if youngjae stares hard enough he likes to believe he can see those bad days too,the hardest days in the world for her that he simply fixed with a goofy video. It’s unbelievable. He doesn’t think it’s possible someone like him could’ve actually made people happy. He himself can’t even be happy.

“...Can I tell you something? I was here a year ago. And I was in a similar state..” she glances up at him and he knows she knows what he intended to do today. He feels sick. “Then I thought, what if I could be like you one day? What if I could make people happy like you do, if I could even just help one person, it would be enough. It’s the Choi Youngjae effect I guess.. you just radiate happiness wherever you go and I truly hope you always feel the same.”

  Youngjae doesn’t remember when breathing became so hard, or when his chest began feeling this tight but it’s all he can think about right now. He’s distantly aware of the girl asking if he’s fine but the ringing in his ear is too much for him to make out exactly what she’s saying. So he does what he’s been doing a lot these past few weeks, he sobs. He sobs for awhile but it isn’t as sad as he expected it to be, he’s letting go. Letting go of all the trauma and heart break that’s been building up for months.

  For the first time in a long time he feels like things will get better, that he’ll be okay.

  His mind is racing a million a minute and its telling him to go home. He thanks the girl, this complete stranger, for doing something even the people closest to him couldn’t, making him have hope. He doesn’t remember much of the journey home over the way his heart beats and his mind races.

  Once he arrives he suddenly remembers how things left off with the others, how can he just waltz in there like nothing happened a couple hours ago? But he can’t give up now, not when he’s this close. He has to have strength. For himself. For bambam and yugyeom who suffered on his behalf. For Jackson and jinyoung who went above and beyond for his happiness. For mark whose changed just for him. For jaebum whose suffered just as much as him because of his mistakes. He’s neglected his friends for too long and they’re all hurting because of it, yugyeom especially, for reasons unknown to youngjae. He can’t keep them in the dark any longer. So he opens the door. He lets them into his life again. When he walks in jinyoung, yugyeom and bambam are sitting in the living room red eyed and somber. His heart hurts. When they lock eyes they wince, clearly regretting mistakes from today but he doesn’t care, he hugs them so hard it hurts. He loves them too much to let their mistakes define him, he’s pushed everyone away for too long and he won’t lose the only ones who haven’t left him. So he hugs them as hard as he can, hoping it can express his feelings better than words ever could.

Jinyoung is the first to pull away.

“Youngjae..I’m so sorry I’ve been so fucking stupid I just- I don’t know what I’m doing jae-ah. My best friend- he’s practically my brother- he fucked up. He fucked up so badly and I can’t fix it. I cant fix you. I cant do anything right and it’s killing me. I just wanted you to be happy I’m-“

“Jinyoung it’s not your problem to solve. You’ve done nothing wrong. not everything is your job to fix, I’m broken but I’ll put myself together again myself. I’ll go to therapy. I’ll help myself. Jaebum has made mistakes but I cant let them dictate my life, I’ve found my closure and I hope he finds his too.”

Jinyoung doesn’t speak for awhile.

“Therapy..you going to therapy is his closure youngjae. Jaebums stubborn..he’ll blame himself for awhile but if you go to therapy he’ll know you’ll be doing better, that’s all he needs to move forward in life.”

  Youngjae lets out a sigh of relief. Jaebums been wrong. He’s hurt him worse than anyone ever has, but if youngjae spends the rest of his life hating him he’ll only hurt himself further. He wants to move on. He can’t forget, but he can move on. But he doesn’t think he can do it alone. He needs his friends too.

“Bammie..gyeomie...forgive me?”

“What? Forgive you? Were the ones that have been complete dickheads we’re the sorry ones..” of course bambam is the first to speak, he can’t possibly understand how youngjae thinks any of this is his fault.

“Jae...we’ve been terrible friends to you. You’ve been struggling so much, more than we could’ve ever imagined and we didn’t do enough, we-“

“You’ve done everything you could for me. Through the worst days of my life you guys were by my side like you’ve always been. Even when you didn’t know what was happening because I kept you out of the loop. I just....thank you.”

“Bambam...”

The younger raised his head to look up at youngjae, surprised to be directly talked to.

“I’m really sorry to you especially. You’ve never pushed or pried into my life even when it hurt you to not know what’s wrong and I couldn’t even be a decent friend and let you into my life. We’ve been best friends since we were 9 and I know sometimes you feel like a third wheel in our friendship but you’re so important to me bammie and I’m sorry for not making you feel like you were.”

  Bambam was left speechless, he wanted to tell youngjae he had nothing to apologize for, that he’s the best friend he’s ever had but words wouldn’t come out.

“I think we should end the apologies here, we’ve messed up and I want to move on. We cant go back to the happy go lucky days when we were just “kings squad” and making stupid videos on the internet but we can decide our future and I want ours to be happy.” Youngjae says with a content smile.

  Yugyeom happily suggests another sleepover, it’s what the boys always do to cheer up and if they want to move on from the mess that was the past month of their lives this is the best way to start. The boys start getting blankets and pillows and snacks to settle down for the night in their small living room with stupid cartoon movies that are bound to make bambam and youngjae burst out in songs and giggles like children. Jinyoung feels out of place. He isn’t sure if he even Belongs here right now with all of them, they’ve been best friends since childhood and he’s just...jinyoung. He feels he’s overstayed his welcome and starts to stand up. They probably wouldn’t even notice, he thinks. He could leave right now and the world would continue. But youngjae does. Just as he’s starting to get up youngjae grabs his arm.

“Hyung. Stay please.”

  It’s enough to lift the worry off jinyoungs shoulders. He visibly relaxes and starts to settle back down again. Of course youngjae could make everyone feel loved and important, it was apart of the youngers charm. Youngjae catches the elder admiring him and shoots him a warm smile jinyoung gladly returns. He soon turned his attention back to the movie and jinyoung did the same. He wasn’t sure what movie they were watching but bambam had broken into song atleast three times so far (which he wasn’t sure how it was possible, he could’ve sworn the movie started ten minutes ago) and it made youngjae laugh a lot because his voice was still hoarse and cracked a lot from crying earlier and yugyeom wouldn’t stop throwing pillows at him to get him to shut up. They wanted to live in this moment forever, just dumb teenagers with no worries who were happy simply because they were. They have hope. Hope for brighter days and a better tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...the FIC title finally came into play lmao well next chapters gonna focus more on the therapy part and yugyeom youngjae and bambams friendship please anticipate it !


End file.
